Recommended Reading: The Empire of Signs

I find this to be one of the seminal books on the modern understanding of Japan. The last time I checked around for it, it was on sale (hard back version) at Amazon for far beyond my spending power. I found it today at Bart's, priced at $4.00.
There's something about book alignment and the universe here. Afterwards, I agreed to volunteer at the local library (redoing their shelving system) on Wednesday mornings, which is something I've always wanted to do.

Grocery Store Moments

Last year - I kid you not - from July 2008 to July 2009, I could count the number of times I went to the grocery store to stock up on supplies and start cooking. The main reason the trips were so few is that I was getting breakfast and lunch for free at work (though, by no means, was it a nutritious offering) and a few patrons were kind enough to treat me to a dinner or two during the week when I wasn't situationally depressed. Once, at Christmas, I went shopping to prepare for a meal and that was nice but I still can't look at the last remaining ground turkey from that time in the freezer without staring at it with a frown and a twinge of heartache. Although, with hindsight, it seems ironic that it is ground turkey in there and not ground chicken.

Today....I spent 100 bucks on food for my sweet self since I'll be eating only dinner at my workplace from now on. And I looked and looked and looked and could not, to my dismay, find the Green Goddess salad dressing. Do they not make that anymore? And what about Shredded Wheat? Couldn't find that brand either. Then, with a sense of self-love and affirmation, I pulled my grocery cart up to the check out lane and pushed it right through, expecting the cashier to pull things out of the basket, put them into another basket and lay some plastic bags on top. I'm used to catching myself now and saying, "I just came back from overseas and they do things differently," to whoever is listening. The cashier didn't seem perturbed at my oversight but the woman at the coin laundry did.

Yes...the coin laundry. My new digs do not have w/d hookups. The last time I went to a coin laundry was in the mid-90's in Shinjuku. I remember the time well because I had all my black lingerie stolen from the washing machine. Anyway, I couldn't find the start button on the dryer so I asked this person where it was located. She was not happy about sharing this information and/or dealing with someone like myself. I told her, "I just came back from overseas," but that excuse didn't work for her. And really, really....I had no idea where the start button was. Like, I really need to ask these questions for no reason. I know not understanding is often held against me here; I don't need to rub salt in the wound. Well, at least she didn't berate me.

I'm really more upset about not finding the Green Goddess.

Immediate Job Environment

Has improved ALOT since last year (see previous blog entry) with emphasis on immediate environment. I am amazed at how relatively easy my working life was in Tokyo from 1991-2007. I never imagined that I would work as hard as I am working now. It gives one pause to stop and consider...how does one improve the quality of their life when they are working so hard and expected to do so much. I still haven't thrown in the towel on having a long-lasting committed and sexual relationship (though I wouldn't balk at polygamy as long as my partner and I are committed to each other and valuing each other's lives.) I still haven't thrown in the towel on maintaining long-lasting friendships. I still haven't given up on finding a job that I am passionate about and can forge ahead with, working in small groups of committed individuals. But I feel sometimes - especially when I wake up in the wee hours of a new day - that time is not on my side. I'm single without familial support; without a sense of family, really. Landmark strongly suggested that it is possible to create possibilities. D.K. suggested in an instant message that a person "needs a job to pay the bills until they find something more inspiring." I would offer to replace find something with create something. This blog is a part of that. Right now, I am overwhelmed with the demands of my job but this year I am working with reasonable people. And another Landmark breakthrough was realizing that I was caught in a vicious cycle in between two circles; the circle of what happened and the circle of my interpretation of what happened. Child victim (yes, that happened) become perpetual victim in all relationships and continually falling into that trap throughout my life. Well, I got it now. I'll end on that note. I am standing on the threshold of space.

Re:Re-Americanization

It was not at all like "boot camp." I felt very real and very authentic in a room with other humans feeling very real and very authentic - and that is one of my possibilities: being able to feel real and authentic every second of my life even in relationships where I'm dealing with inauthenticity/lack of integrity/looking good/afraid of looking bad. And it's clear to me that I've been at that place too during my reintegration into U.S. society. So I had a breakthrough. Now I'm standing with the future in front of me. It is occurring right now that I know that I don't know, which is exciting. More to write about this. Stay tuned. Love, Laura Dawning (still looking for the camera cable...5 more boxes to go.)

Re-Americanization

From Friday through to Sunday at 10p.m., I will be engaged in a self-realization boot-camp which I assume will help me in learning how to be an American again. I do not, however, wish to give up the grace, attention to detail, virtues of honour and respect and general ethics in personal values that I had direct exposure to in Japan for many years. On the contrary, I wish to learn ways of bringing those aspects to the attention of those around me. However, I must learn to do so in an American way. I'm not sure what that way is, so I need some guidance. R.O. suggested these courses. So I'm off to LA at 3pm today.............................................!

Quote of The Day

"Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule." -Frederick Neitzche

Cable In A Box

Still looking for my camera to computer cable and I reckon it's in one of the remaining 5 boxes.
At last, I've found a place that is close to the spaciousness of my lovely flat(s) in Tokyo. I know I can't hope for a leasor-leasee relationship like the ones I had in Japan but this one seems so far, so good. Neighbor is quiet, thus far. Don't need to hang drapes or blinds yet because my neighbors are spaced far apart. My views are of trees and other live green things. So I can check one problem off my list - clautrophobia-related living issues and that represents something important and gratifying. August 1 had a magickal ring to it when it came.

A picture of The Move and some of the new place will be posted on forthcoming blogs. Thanks for tuning in to the writings from the country of Avalon Dawn.