今の心で
surrender to
a compassionate
state of awareness.
As a virgin on the
cusp of offering.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
"Kokoro" (心）The Head and The Heart
I had a hard time dealing with headaches in Japan but I could handle heartache.
I have a hard time dealing with heartache in the states but I can deal with headaches.
My currently-running theory is that a headache is easier to deal with here because lots of people "work through" issues by thinking them through and people tend to converse frequently on that level; the cerebral level. This is a new influence in my life.
I saw - and was influenced - in Japan by people who dealt with heartache by drinking - or staying phenomenally busy but I'll save the details of that for a later entry. Wabi-sabi, on the other hand, was another way of coping with heartache. Consider Japanese pathos as exemplied in the Kanji, 情念。 At an extreme level, I saw this most clearly in the film, "In The Realm Of The Senses." In everyday life, I saw Japanese "wabi-sabi" in the glorification of sadness and the elevation of suffering to a form of beauty. This - when combined with a Faulknerian Southern Gothic upbringing as I had - influenced my life.
In California/the U.S. people see to me to be more judgmental or ideal-centered over issues of the heart. I can't work out everything in my brain without a little mind-expansion; that is what I hope to achieve in California. It's all becoming clearer than I've felt in months.
Something else too: 心 (kokoro/shin) is associated with the heart-mind in Japan. Is the mind in the states more closely associated with brain activity? I am inclined to see it as so.
I have a hard time dealing with heartache in the states but I can deal with headaches.
My currently-running theory is that a headache is easier to deal with here because lots of people "work through" issues by thinking them through and people tend to converse frequently on that level; the cerebral level. This is a new influence in my life.
I saw - and was influenced - in Japan by people who dealt with heartache by drinking - or staying phenomenally busy but I'll save the details of that for a later entry. Wabi-sabi, on the other hand, was another way of coping with heartache. Consider Japanese pathos as exemplied in the Kanji, 情念。 At an extreme level, I saw this most clearly in the film, "In The Realm Of The Senses." In everyday life, I saw Japanese "wabi-sabi" in the glorification of sadness and the elevation of suffering to a form of beauty. This - when combined with a Faulknerian Southern Gothic upbringing as I had - influenced my life.
In California/the U.S. people see to me to be more judgmental or ideal-centered over issues of the heart. I can't work out everything in my brain without a little mind-expansion; that is what I hope to achieve in California. It's all becoming clearer than I've felt in months.
Something else too: 心 (kokoro/shin) is associated with the heart-mind in Japan. Is the mind in the states more closely associated with brain activity? I am inclined to see it as so.
anecdote: if you want to break up with someone in Japan, you don't state that outright but, rather, you write your "Dear John/Jane letter in red ink.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Emergency Rooms, Acupuncture and Prescriptions
Spent all morning in an American emergency room for the first time since 1976. Diagnosis: lumbosacral strain (not sure how that happened!!??) Not too many differences between the emergency room procedures in Japan and the U.S. Japanese generally look busier. Have two prescriptions but I want to stick with simply ibuprofen. The drugs of choice at hospitals are different in Tokyo and California. Here, Vicodin seems in ample supply. I never heard of Vicodin in Japan - acupuncture was my remedy and "shippu" patches. What I need is a good acupuncturist. In Tokyo, I went to the great Greg Sappers. All I've found here is an office in Ventura that plays alot of New Age music but they are really wimpy on the needling.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
More on California Vocabulary
I have been pondering this for a day or two and California English really is a new vocabulary. In Tokyo, I was surrounded by Brits, Kiwis, Aussies, Canadians and a whole bunch of other non-Japanese nationalities. Depending on how long we had been living there, our own communication became peppered with Japanese vocab and its associated meanings as well as the nuances of the in the other English-speaking (or not) languages we encountered. I think this is a fascinating topic for discussion. Still, in my current environment, I am on the receiving end so I must simply listen and eventually "get" what a word means here. It's an interesting phase of the returnee process.
"Getting It" or Not...
When I first went to Japan, I felt a breath of relief that not understanding wasn't held against me because I was a gaijin.
Now not "getting it" is often held against me.
I was looked at weirdly when I hadn't yet learned how to swipe my debit card.
I was judged when I didn't understand new vocabulary (see "new vocab I have learnt" entry.)
Where is the DMV (WHAT is the DMV?) I hadn't a clue.
Is this a dime or a penny?
What do all these interpersonal words mean?
"What's your social?" Uhh....
There is great value in listening and being quiet and learning by receiving and evaluating; asking questions at the right time.
Now, for the first time in a long time, I am on the receiving end instead of the giving end. It brings up a lot of issues that I have never looked at.
Om Mani Padme.
Now not "getting it" is often held against me.
I was looked at weirdly when I hadn't yet learned how to swipe my debit card.
I was judged when I didn't understand new vocabulary (see "new vocab I have learnt" entry.)
Where is the DMV (WHAT is the DMV?) I hadn't a clue.
Is this a dime or a penny?
What do all these interpersonal words mean?
"What's your social?" Uhh....
There is great value in listening and being quiet and learning by receiving and evaluating; asking questions at the right time.
Now, for the first time in a long time, I am on the receiving end instead of the giving end. It brings up a lot of issues that I have never looked at.
Om Mani Padme.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Driving vs. Taking Public Transportation
Here is the boot/trunck of my 2008 Toyota Corolla and Kia. This is when my driving experience really started. the 1st stage was confusing cars with people. Cars have definite lines that you have to be in. People at Shinjuku Sta don't follow any lines except on the escalators. Merging, changing lanes, getting lost in Ventura - the whole plethora - stressed me out considerably. It seemed like forever until I felt confident driving again and in SoCal. I also sadly realized that one can't just pull over to look at something in detail - almost anywhere you are at. You have to keep your eyes on the road. I have 20,000 miles on this vehicle now and have driven up north and back several times. Only one accident: on the street in front of my house when I backed into a parked truck. Yes, I bought inSURance for these kinds of things. The first few times I turned the ignition key, I felt screams coming from children in the middle-east. Now I easily drive up into the mountains on days when my heart needs to explore and I've rationalized the screaming. It's weird going from being a passenger to being a driver.
Here is the vehicle I drove the first three months after I arrived in California. I did not drive AT ALL in Tokyo or Japan and I got used to putting on my earphones, selecting a piece of music, putting on my shoes in the 玄関 and striding out of my building to get on my bike or walk to the subway station. Once on my bike, I could stop anytime I wanted and look at something interesting. Or read a book and zone-out (space-out) to whatever music I was listening to. The truck was relatively easy to drive as long as I didn't make any trips to LA.
Wandering In The Bardo
"Heaven is my father and Earth is my mother and even such a small creature as I find an intimate place in their midst. Therefore, that which fills the universe I regard as my body and that which directs the universe I consider as my nature. All people are my brothers and sisters. And all things are companions."
"It's been easy until now, but you'll likely question how."
I'm not sure how I am going to deal with my new and improved working situation from mid-August. The first quote is good for a wanderer (I wrote it in my diary in 1990) and I feel like wandering but now I feel something has changed. I'm going to Robert's place in the Berkeley hills for 4th of July. Moving to a new place on July 15th. Slow movement once up there...Yosemite, back to coast. Esalan? It is more expensive here than in Tokyo. May I find some enclave of sensitive, loving and kind people to hang with. And my I be "adept at containment."
The seond quote is from a song called "Bardo" by Todd Rundgren. I feel like I am in a Bardo - it's a perfect piece for an international returnee to ponder. Here are the lyrics:
http://trconnection.com/lyrics/Song.53.10
Was listening to Art Pepper this morning. It's amazing how relevant jazz is to the vagaries of a normal life. It really works to get involved in listening to how it's played. Meditative.
I think S is still locked up, thousands of miles away where there is panic and brutality on the streets. Every moment that goes by, when there is not an email from him, scares me. I am scared that he will lose his beautiful life - that life that so cared about this life with its fingers typing out these words.
"It's been easy until now, but you'll likely question how."
I'm not sure how I am going to deal with my new and improved working situation from mid-August. The first quote is good for a wanderer (I wrote it in my diary in 1990) and I feel like wandering but now I feel something has changed. I'm going to Robert's place in the Berkeley hills for 4th of July. Moving to a new place on July 15th. Slow movement once up there...Yosemite, back to coast. Esalan? It is more expensive here than in Tokyo. May I find some enclave of sensitive, loving and kind people to hang with. And my I be "adept at containment."
The seond quote is from a song called "Bardo" by Todd Rundgren. I feel like I am in a Bardo - it's a perfect piece for an international returnee to ponder. Here are the lyrics:
http://trconnection.com/lyrics/Song.53.10
Was listening to Art Pepper this morning. It's amazing how relevant jazz is to the vagaries of a normal life. It really works to get involved in listening to how it's played. Meditative.
I think S is still locked up, thousands of miles away where there is panic and brutality on the streets. Every moment that goes by, when there is not an email from him, scares me. I am scared that he will lose his beautiful life - that life that so cared about this life with its fingers typing out these words.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Today's pic: 
I don't know WHY I felt happy or WHAT I felt happy about, I just felt HAPPY.
Let me tell you a story about insensitivity and how I settled for a type of relationship that was less than what I am worth. I was overwhelmed by love-vibes at a certain place, in a certain time and I didn't see what was coming. And there I was jumping into the maelstrom of middle-age crisis in California. And I had no idea of how much I had NOT changed in all that time I spent in Tokyo; that I would come back still feeling like a twenty-something girl when everyone else had changed - matured, gotten married, divorced, had kids, filed bankruptcy, bought a house, taken anti-depressants, changed jobs, learned to make conversation about their issues.. The only thing familiar to me when I returned was music, like timeless little friends and children. Music/sound - without being qualified or contextualized - can be the great equalizer.
I don't know WHY I felt happy or WHAT I felt happy about, I just felt HAPPY. Let me tell you a story about insensitivity and how I settled for a type of relationship that was less than what I am worth. I was overwhelmed by love-vibes at a certain place, in a certain time and I didn't see what was coming. And there I was jumping into the maelstrom of middle-age crisis in California. And I had no idea of how much I had NOT changed in all that time I spent in Tokyo; that I would come back still feeling like a twenty-something girl when everyone else had changed - matured, gotten married, divorced, had kids, filed bankruptcy, bought a house, taken anti-depressants, changed jobs, learned to make conversation about their issues.. The only thing familiar to me when I returned was music, like timeless little friends and children. Music/sound - without being qualified or contextualized - can be the great equalizer.
Morning/Mourning Thoughts
So I have a certain friend, in a certain country who has witnessed death on the streets recently. I met this certain friend in Japan. We are forever linked by our experiences. And now -
Now I am in the paradox that is sunny California.
And he is there and only been there 3 months at that.
It boggles my mind as if it needs to be more boggled.
Does a collective consiousness exist?
How does a sensitive person live in an unsensitive world?
Now I am in the paradox that is sunny California.
And he is there and only been there 3 months at that.
It boggles my mind as if it needs to be more boggled.
Does a collective consiousness exist?
How does a sensitive person live in an unsensitive world?
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
New vocabulary I have learnt:
a relationship = a couple (you NEED to know this if you move to California.)
(Japanese: kankei/かんけい = this word means a form of interaction between oneself and something/someone else.) Instead of "I am in a relationship," English-speakers would say, "I have a girlfriend or a boyfriend." I never heard, "I am seeing someone."
foot massage = foreplay
In Japan, foot massage was a legitimate therapy.
issues = an individual's psychological hangups "which we all have."
In Japan, an issue was usually a headline in the newspaper or a topic to be discussed at a coffee house or, perhaps, a bar.
to ramp up/down = to increase or decrease (as driving onto or off of a freeway) one's dosage of medication
Escalator ramp? Ramp on the path to the touristy waterfall? In Japan, I don't think I used the word "ramp" in the whole 20 years I lived there.
a relationship = a couple (you NEED to know this if you move to California.)
(Japanese: kankei/かんけい = this word means a form of interaction between oneself and something/someone else.) Instead of "I am in a relationship," English-speakers would say, "I have a girlfriend or a boyfriend." I never heard, "I am seeing someone."
foot massage = foreplay
In Japan, foot massage was a legitimate therapy.
issues = an individual's psychological hangups "which we all have."
In Japan, an issue was usually a headline in the newspaper or a topic to be discussed at a coffee house or, perhaps, a bar.
to ramp up/down = to increase or decrease (as driving onto or off of a freeway) one's dosage of medication
Escalator ramp? Ramp on the path to the touristy waterfall? In Japan, I don't think I used the word "ramp" in the whole 20 years I lived there.
Renting in California and Tokyo - An Anecdotal Story
In 1991, I and several others financed moving into a 2 bedroom condo in Shinjuku - in the heart of Tokyo. After one went back to DC and the other to Turkey a year or two later, I found myself wanting to rent it by myself. The owner of the condo knocked off a 1,000 USD so I could afford it and I lived there until mid-1998. In 1997, I was given ONE YEAR'S notice that he intended to sell the place and asked if I wanted to buy it. I declined, moved out (after 6 years) and got my full deposit back. Total rent for more than one person: 200,000 yen ($2,000 approx) and for one person (me) = 100,000 yen. Size = 700 square feet.
I took the first place I looked at and moved to the new place in 1998, also in Tokyo. Over the 9 years that I lived there, the daughter of the owner (a 二号さん - or second wife - in pre WWII Tokyo) and I developed a sincere relationship of trust and care. Her mother owned the building (given to her by her patron) and the daughter and her husband ran a clinic on the 2nd floor. I didn't have health insurance so when I took ill or became injured, they gave me free medical treatment. They gave me the key to the roof so I could have parties. I would sometimes pay my rent in a 3 month package and sometimes not pay rent at all for 3 months. They never gave me any grief. When I moved out (after 9 years) they took my deposit of 1,000 USD and gave me 3,000USD in "good luck" money to take back to the states. Total rent: 100,000 yen not incl utilities. What is the rate today? I haven't been checking. Size = 800 square feet.
LAX! October, 2007. I found my first dwelling in the U.S. (since 1987) in Ventura County. It was 900.000USD/month. There was no bathtub, no toilet roll holder and the kitchen was bare bones...the whole thing was bare bones. The hot water stayed on for only 5 minutes and when I told the owner, he looked at me and said, "Americans don't take showers for longer than 5 minutes." I soon discovered this was not true. When I told him this, he replied, "well, you lived in the Thai countryside, they probably didn't have any hot water there either." Me: "Yes, but I was only paying 5 Dollars a day." That shut him up. But he still wanted Duv and I to FIX the hot water heater with no assistance whatsoever. Thanks, idiot. When I moved out (after 6 months,) the owner's wife scoured the place for any signs of damage and insinuated that I should have thought to remove a cobweb from a certain corner. I was flabbergasted when I recd my full deposit back. I think she had a guilty-conscience. A side note: my favorite quote of hers is "And, you know, New Zealanders don't even get paid to recycle," after she returned from her big trip there. Come to think of it, I could devote an entire blog entry to this paragraph alone. Total payments on this dive: $900.00 not incl utilities. Size = 650 square feet.
Next place was closer to Ojai - in the same valley anyway. Nice woman with 60+ cats at a cat sanctuary. I rented a room in the house on the 1st floor. The only thing I remember about that situation was 1) her two big dogs needing to come inside at the crack of dawn, 2) her "slave" who lived in the garage 3) my cat Babura's stress level going off the charts. She took pity on me (a recurring theme since I've been living in the U.S. ) and she was basically nice. No deposit. I moved out after 4 months once I found a job. I had to get out of there...it was someone else's feifdom. Relationship more or less intact. Nice woman overall. Beautiful bathtub. I enjoyed that. Wish it were MY house. Now that I'm back, I guess that is something to aim for -unless I can find something cheaper somewhere else (my current dream city is Salvador.) Total rent: $695.00 incl utilities. Size = depended on the mood of the property owner.
August, 2008. Now that I am gainfully employed and IN OJAI (finally) I choose a place in a small, working class neighborhood. I have to fill out a rather lengthy application to rent (something I have never had to do before) and pay my rent dutifully on the first of every month, lest I be charged a penalty. The good thing about this situation is that the owner lives in ANOTHER STATE. It is small but solidly built. I have to get used to noisy neighbors (I never HEARD my neighbors for the 9 years I lived in Suginami-Ku in Tokyo and I assume they never heard me,) a flickering moody kitchen light that the maintenance guy can't fix and a flapping plastic light covering in the kitchen that jumps up and down whenever the Santa Ana winds come through. There is no bathroom or bathtub but the toilet and shower are sort of set off from the upstairs room in a way that is, at least, artfully done. Total rent: $950.00 incl utilities. Size = 400 square feet.
Today! I have found another place in Ojai. It has a proper bathtub, a proper kitchen, a bedroom, some closet space and a communal backyard. The application was even more thorough than the preceding one and I was surprised that they didn't ask me if I had any sexual fetishes and a "yes" and "no" box for the answer. I don't know the owners and I'm dealing with a realtor. My neighbors will be a father and son living together originally from Turkey. The current landlady wants me to give 30 days notice or she will withhold money. The realtor wants me to move in by mid-July. I'm out money, I guess. And I don't reckon I'll get any "good luck" money from the current owner either. Total rent: $910.00 not incl utilities. Size = 600 square feet.
I'm not sure what all this means...it is terribly confusing for an international returnee. I can see why people go into debt to own property here in the states.
In 1991, I and several others financed moving into a 2 bedroom condo in Shinjuku - in the heart of Tokyo. After one went back to DC and the other to Turkey a year or two later, I found myself wanting to rent it by myself. The owner of the condo knocked off a 1,000 USD so I could afford it and I lived there until mid-1998. In 1997, I was given ONE YEAR'S notice that he intended to sell the place and asked if I wanted to buy it. I declined, moved out (after 6 years) and got my full deposit back. Total rent for more than one person: 200,000 yen ($2,000 approx) and for one person (me) = 100,000 yen. Size = 700 square feet.
I took the first place I looked at and moved to the new place in 1998, also in Tokyo. Over the 9 years that I lived there, the daughter of the owner (a 二号さん - or second wife - in pre WWII Tokyo) and I developed a sincere relationship of trust and care. Her mother owned the building (given to her by her patron) and the daughter and her husband ran a clinic on the 2nd floor. I didn't have health insurance so when I took ill or became injured, they gave me free medical treatment. They gave me the key to the roof so I could have parties. I would sometimes pay my rent in a 3 month package and sometimes not pay rent at all for 3 months. They never gave me any grief. When I moved out (after 9 years) they took my deposit of 1,000 USD and gave me 3,000USD in "good luck" money to take back to the states. Total rent: 100,000 yen not incl utilities. What is the rate today? I haven't been checking. Size = 800 square feet.
LAX! October, 2007. I found my first dwelling in the U.S. (since 1987) in Ventura County. It was 900.000USD/month. There was no bathtub, no toilet roll holder and the kitchen was bare bones...the whole thing was bare bones. The hot water stayed on for only 5 minutes and when I told the owner, he looked at me and said, "Americans don't take showers for longer than 5 minutes." I soon discovered this was not true. When I told him this, he replied, "well, you lived in the Thai countryside, they probably didn't have any hot water there either." Me: "Yes, but I was only paying 5 Dollars a day." That shut him up. But he still wanted Duv and I to FIX the hot water heater with no assistance whatsoever. Thanks, idiot. When I moved out (after 6 months,) the owner's wife scoured the place for any signs of damage and insinuated that I should have thought to remove a cobweb from a certain corner. I was flabbergasted when I recd my full deposit back. I think she had a guilty-conscience. A side note: my favorite quote of hers is "And, you know, New Zealanders don't even get paid to recycle," after she returned from her big trip there. Come to think of it, I could devote an entire blog entry to this paragraph alone. Total payments on this dive: $900.00 not incl utilities. Size = 650 square feet.
Next place was closer to Ojai - in the same valley anyway. Nice woman with 60+ cats at a cat sanctuary. I rented a room in the house on the 1st floor. The only thing I remember about that situation was 1) her two big dogs needing to come inside at the crack of dawn, 2) her "slave" who lived in the garage 3) my cat Babura's stress level going off the charts. She took pity on me (a recurring theme since I've been living in the U.S. ) and she was basically nice. No deposit. I moved out after 4 months once I found a job. I had to get out of there...it was someone else's feifdom. Relationship more or less intact. Nice woman overall. Beautiful bathtub. I enjoyed that. Wish it were MY house. Now that I'm back, I guess that is something to aim for -unless I can find something cheaper somewhere else (my current dream city is Salvador.) Total rent: $695.00 incl utilities. Size = depended on the mood of the property owner.
August, 2008. Now that I am gainfully employed and IN OJAI (finally) I choose a place in a small, working class neighborhood. I have to fill out a rather lengthy application to rent (something I have never had to do before) and pay my rent dutifully on the first of every month, lest I be charged a penalty. The good thing about this situation is that the owner lives in ANOTHER STATE. It is small but solidly built. I have to get used to noisy neighbors (I never HEARD my neighbors for the 9 years I lived in Suginami-Ku in Tokyo and I assume they never heard me,) a flickering moody kitchen light that the maintenance guy can't fix and a flapping plastic light covering in the kitchen that jumps up and down whenever the Santa Ana winds come through. There is no bathroom or bathtub but the toilet and shower are sort of set off from the upstairs room in a way that is, at least, artfully done. Total rent: $950.00 incl utilities. Size = 400 square feet.
Today! I have found another place in Ojai. It has a proper bathtub, a proper kitchen, a bedroom, some closet space and a communal backyard. The application was even more thorough than the preceding one and I was surprised that they didn't ask me if I had any sexual fetishes and a "yes" and "no" box for the answer. I don't know the owners and I'm dealing with a realtor. My neighbors will be a father and son living together originally from Turkey. The current landlady wants me to give 30 days notice or she will withhold money. The realtor wants me to move in by mid-July. I'm out money, I guess. And I don't reckon I'll get any "good luck" money from the current owner either. Total rent: $910.00 not incl utilities. Size = 600 square feet.
I'm not sure what all this means...it is terribly confusing for an international returnee. I can see why people go into debt to own property here in the states.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Reading, reading reading...
finished NORMA: My Secret Life with Marilyn Monroe (Ted Jordan.) Pretty good actually.
starting: GUNS, GERMS, AND STEEL by Jared Diamond.
both purchased at Bart's Books http://www.bartsbooksojai.com/
Duv and son (now 14) stopped by. His son hasn't gotten any taller. I was thinking his voice may have changed but not yet. Very brief. Gave him the key to the P.O. Box. It's ALL good.
finished NORMA: My Secret Life with Marilyn Monroe (Ted Jordan.) Pretty good actually.
starting: GUNS, GERMS, AND STEEL by Jared Diamond.
both purchased at Bart's Books http://www.bartsbooksojai.com/
Duv and son (now 14) stopped by. His son hasn't gotten any taller. I was thinking his voice may have changed but not yet. Very brief. Gave him the key to the P.O. Box. It's ALL good.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Today is my hero's birthday!
When I left the states in 1987, I tripped around for twenty years with his tapes in my backpack. Here are the lyrics to one of the songs:
http://trconnection.com/lyrics/Song.10.4
When I left the states in 1987, I tripped around for twenty years with his tapes in my backpack. Here are the lyrics to one of the songs:
http://trconnection.com/lyrics/Song.10.4
Sunday, June 21, 2009
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
(this was ALL Steven's idea, btw)
Brian = Jack Nicholson
Jeff = Danny De Vito
Laura = Brad Douriff
Steven = Nurse Ratchet
Jeff = Danny De Vito
Laura = Brad Douriff
Steven = Nurse Ratchet
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