Property, assets and material possessions are not above respect for the value of life and its organic expression.
I'm utterly exhausted. And the universe is screaming at me, "for me....if not for you....please take care of yourself! Please make some sacred boundaries. Protect your body, leave your heart open. Take mindful risks and, above all, take care of yourself so you'll have the energy to live."
Questions: why don't we take of ourselves and others at the same time? why isn't the situation looked at more than the individual in the situation?
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
unfound products
Drove to every liquor story in Ojai, CA today looking for shochu - any kind of shochu. It turns out I will have to special order it unless I want to drive over the hill (12 miles) to Ventura. Shochu, the preferred cheap brand of liquor for the Tokyo homeless and sold in every convenient store in Japan is a high-end drink here. Interesting. No, I can't make umeboshi with malt liquor or Boone's Farm but you get the
idea.
Next, the ubiquitous glass
tea decantur that sold for 円100
at the Tokyo equivalent of the dollar store
is nowhere to be found around here. Though
a very nice man suggested I buy a big plastic
bottle of Minute Maid orange juice and, when
finished, use the container as an iced tea
decantur. And he welcomed me back to
the states; must say I don't get
welcomed back too often. I must be
doing something right today. 和和和。。。。
Thursday, June 24, 2010
"Wa"
和 is usually translated as harmony. 和 can also be about a "getting-along" vibe without getting too involved in what any particular individual wants. In Japanese society, it manifest positively in the emphasis on group decision-making and compromise; not to say there aren't selfish people in every society but the spirit of 和 is still a virtue in Japan though some might say it has been disappearing over the last 60 years. In any event, 和 presents itself in nature - quietly and unobtrusively.
平和
Peace
平和
Peace
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
the gorilla in the room
1) "Yes, yes, yes." Now would you please just leave me alone. Get it...it's not a question.
2) "Yes, sure, no problem. I hear you." Now would you please just give me what I want. And, once I've gotten it, I don't need to be accountable for what I've said. I might even forget it.
Well, now. This is a new awareness of human behavior. I've seen it and possibly even attracted it in my naivety. I've fought with the outcomes, all along thinking I could have prevented them. And I was so busy doing that, that I couldn't even notice the underlying messages.
Note: Watch. Learn. Listen. Carefully. Be responsible. Take care and exercise a prudent attitude.
Today's conversations with Americans were real and full of examination. Thank you RO, JV, LC and WC.
2) "Yes, sure, no problem. I hear you." Now would you please just give me what I want. And, once I've gotten it, I don't need to be accountable for what I've said. I might even forget it.
Well, now. This is a new awareness of human behavior. I've seen it and possibly even attracted it in my naivety. I've fought with the outcomes, all along thinking I could have prevented them. And I was so busy doing that, that I couldn't even notice the underlying messages.
Note: Watch. Learn. Listen. Carefully. Be responsible. Take care and exercise a prudent attitude.
Today's conversations with Americans were real and full of examination. Thank you RO, JV, LC and WC.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
fear
as i stay here in the u.s. longer, i experience phases of awareness. the latest one is the fear that permeates the air. people seem to take the fear for granted. now i find myself knowing that the right thing to do is to put up curtains, not give out my home number to people i do not know well and don't assume people care to understand there is another way. i sometimes feel like an immigrant who came here alone like in "Brother from Another Planet." That's a movie, though. i'm not fragile but i am vulnerable in a truly physical way. the passivity of the japanese made tokyo a relaxing city. i got used to that on a level i was not aware of until now.
Monday, June 14, 2010
diary entry
Time to make another cup of coffee.
Intimacy is not created in a moment...would that it were!
Intimacy and depth go hand-in-hand.
Not necessarily with other humans like myself.
My most intimate, deep relationships are with my cats right now.
In Tokyo, I had a few intimate relationships...with my landlady, my boss and two friends who were also my cat-sitters. And, what my lonely hunger could not see back in those days, was - that was enough. So, I'm back to square one. Exploring. Being cautious. I've had a few encounters that did not bring about intimacy. To me, intimacy is the ability to relate to another as a whole person. If that does not exist, then what shows us for me are shallow encounters. This is not a negative judgment. It is the same as looking at a potato and seeing a potato; looking at a watermelon and not seeing a potato. On one level, we are all connected to the intimacy of life. Now I'm at square two.
Intimacy is not created in a moment...would that it were!
Intimacy and depth go hand-in-hand.
Not necessarily with other humans like myself.
My most intimate, deep relationships are with my cats right now.
In Tokyo, I had a few intimate relationships...with my landlady, my boss and two friends who were also my cat-sitters. And, what my lonely hunger could not see back in those days, was - that was enough. So, I'm back to square one. Exploring. Being cautious. I've had a few encounters that did not bring about intimacy. To me, intimacy is the ability to relate to another as a whole person. If that does not exist, then what shows us for me are shallow encounters. This is not a negative judgment. It is the same as looking at a potato and seeing a potato; looking at a watermelon and not seeing a potato. On one level, we are all connected to the intimacy of life. Now I'm at square two.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Dear Whoever-Reads-This:
If I am asking for anything it is "a hug and a little understanding."
I gotta start somewhere or I will drown in a sea of negativity and despair. So, first:
Goodbye to the people who have made it clear they don't want to have anything to do with me as a whole person. I am sorry because you couldn't bear with us and love that my heart is in the right place. I formally attach you to everyone in my biological family except my ALS-stricken mother. Goodbye family members. I have nothing left to offer you without having to give up my own blessed sanity. I hereby cut the mind-map links that continue your cycle of insanity. And somehow I trust that my embodiment of life will be much better for having taken this action. Second:
If I am asking for anything it is "a hug and a little understanding."
I gotta start somewhere or I will drown in a sea of negativity and despair. So, first:
Goodbye to the people who have made it clear they don't want to have anything to do with me as a whole person. I am sorry because you couldn't bear with us and love that my heart is in the right place. I formally attach you to everyone in my biological family except my ALS-stricken mother. Goodbye family members. I have nothing left to offer you without having to give up my own blessed sanity. I hereby cut the mind-map links that continue your cycle of insanity. And somehow I trust that my embodiment of life will be much better for having taken this action. Second:
Positivity
Ojai Music Festival:
Volunteered backstage with a woman with Down's Syndrome. Kept to myself - at times, it was just me and a short gray-haired man who spent most of his time walking in the lot alone before the show. I liked the space between us. It was a huge space yet he felt familiar. We said hello and he looked at the cover of my book and smiled. I read until the sun went down and the performance began. It turned out the gray-haired man was the conductor. The first half of the performance was moving and I felt that momentary peace that I want to last a little longer in my life. During intermission, the conductor came out and paced again.
Went back this afternoon and backed out on my volunteer duties for this rather large event. Stayed present and with myself. Just being alone isn't against the law. I'm not doing anything illegal by eating an ice cream cone and listening to the water trickle from a fountain. As I walked back to my car, I spotted the giant trunk of the Eucalyptus tree that I brushed my body against the night before. I thought of the conductor and his pacing and smiled.
Volunteered backstage with a woman with Down's Syndrome. Kept to myself - at times, it was just me and a short gray-haired man who spent most of his time walking in the lot alone before the show. I liked the space between us. It was a huge space yet he felt familiar. We said hello and he looked at the cover of my book and smiled. I read until the sun went down and the performance began. It turned out the gray-haired man was the conductor. The first half of the performance was moving and I felt that momentary peace that I want to last a little longer in my life. During intermission, the conductor came out and paced again.
Went back this afternoon and backed out on my volunteer duties for this rather large event. Stayed present and with myself. Just being alone isn't against the law. I'm not doing anything illegal by eating an ice cream cone and listening to the water trickle from a fountain. As I walked back to my car, I spotted the giant trunk of the Eucalyptus tree that I brushed my body against the night before. I thought of the conductor and his pacing and smiled.
Happenings:
J came over yesterday and I fixed lunch for us. I love cooking for myself and others! ION called from Austin and gave to me his heart-felt "treatise on cosmic fire" which I fully heard while getting dressed, brushing my teeth and driving to the festival, asking a few questions along the way. L.K. called this morning from Ohio and we had a conversation; the kind I want to cultivate and explore with him and others. sharing is possible. Mrs. G called from Florida and we talked for a long time. She understood; she's good at that. I acknowledge her and people like her. And I know I am leaving alot of important things out. Elizabeth is still breathing. The cats are healthy and sleeping.
And to the people who are reading this - I don't know what you may be getting out of this blog but may I share this: resolve to take your very last breath of life really, truly liking yourself.
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