If I am asking for anything it is "a hug and a little understanding."
I gotta start somewhere or I will drown in a sea of negativity and despair. So, first:
Goodbye to the people who have made it clear they don't want to have anything to do with me as a whole person. I am sorry because you couldn't bear with us and love that my heart is in the right place. I formally attach you to everyone in my biological family except my ALS-stricken mother. Goodbye family members. I have nothing left to offer you without having to give up my own blessed sanity. I hereby cut the mind-map links that continue your cycle of insanity. And somehow I trust that my embodiment of life will be much better for having taken this action. Second:
Positivity
Ojai Music Festival:
Volunteered backstage with a woman with Down's Syndrome. Kept to myself - at times, it was just me and a short gray-haired man who spent most of his time walking in the lot alone before the show. I liked the space between us. It was a huge space yet he felt familiar. We said hello and he looked at the cover of my book and smiled. I read until the sun went down and the performance began. It turned out the gray-haired man was the conductor. The first half of the performance was moving and I felt that momentary peace that I want to last a little longer in my life. During intermission, the conductor came out and paced again.
Went back this afternoon and backed out on my volunteer duties for this rather large event. Stayed present and with myself. Just being alone isn't against the law. I'm not doing anything illegal by eating an ice cream cone and listening to the water trickle from a fountain. As I walked back to my car, I spotted the giant trunk of the Eucalyptus tree that I brushed my body against the night before. I thought of the conductor and his pacing and smiled.
Volunteered backstage with a woman with Down's Syndrome. Kept to myself - at times, it was just me and a short gray-haired man who spent most of his time walking in the lot alone before the show. I liked the space between us. It was a huge space yet he felt familiar. We said hello and he looked at the cover of my book and smiled. I read until the sun went down and the performance began. It turned out the gray-haired man was the conductor. The first half of the performance was moving and I felt that momentary peace that I want to last a little longer in my life. During intermission, the conductor came out and paced again.
Went back this afternoon and backed out on my volunteer duties for this rather large event. Stayed present and with myself. Just being alone isn't against the law. I'm not doing anything illegal by eating an ice cream cone and listening to the water trickle from a fountain. As I walked back to my car, I spotted the giant trunk of the Eucalyptus tree that I brushed my body against the night before. I thought of the conductor and his pacing and smiled.
Happenings:
J came over yesterday and I fixed lunch for us. I love cooking for myself and others! ION called from Austin and gave to me his heart-felt "treatise on cosmic fire" which I fully heard while getting dressed, brushing my teeth and driving to the festival, asking a few questions along the way. L.K. called this morning from Ohio and we had a conversation; the kind I want to cultivate and explore with him and others. sharing is possible. Mrs. G called from Florida and we talked for a long time. She understood; she's good at that. I acknowledge her and people like her. And I know I am leaving alot of important things out. Elizabeth is still breathing. The cats are healthy and sleeping.
And to the people who are reading this - I don't know what you may be getting out of this blog but may I share this: resolve to take your very last breath of life really, truly liking yourself.
Your conclusion is truly grounded in LOVE
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