scattered thoughts of the moment

Property, assets and material possessions are not above respect for the value of life and its organic expression.

I'm utterly exhausted. And the universe is screaming at me, "for me....if not for you....please take care of yourself! Please make some sacred boundaries. Protect your body, leave your heart open. Take mindful risks and, above all, take care of yourself so you'll have the energy to live."

Questions: why don't we take of ourselves and others at the same time? why isn't the situation looked at more than the individual in the situation?

unfound products

Drove to every liquor story in Ojai, CA today looking for shochu - any kind of shochu. It turns out I will have to special order it unless I want to drive over the hill (12 miles) to Ventura. Shochu, the preferred cheap brand of liquor for the Tokyo homeless and sold in every convenient store in Japan is a high-end drink here. Interesting. No, I can't make umeboshi with malt liquor or Boone's Farm but you get the
idea.

Next, the ubiquitous glass
tea decantur that sold for　円100
at the Tokyo equivalent of the dollar store
is nowhere to be found around here. Though
a very nice man suggested I buy a big plastic
bottle of Minute Maid orange juice and, when
finished, use the container as an iced tea
decantur. And he welcomed me back to
the states; must say I don't get
welcomed back too often. I must be
doing something right today. 和和和。。。。

"Wa"

和 is usually translated as harmony. 和 can also be about a "getting-along" vibe without getting too involved in what any particular individual wants. In Japanese society, it manifest positively in the emphasis on group decision-making and compromise; not to say there aren't selfish people in every society but the spirit of 和 is still a virtue in Japan though some might say it has been disappearing over the last 60 years. In any event, 和 presents itself in nature - quietly and unobtrusively.

平和
Peace

the gorilla in the room

1) "Yes, yes, yes." Now would you please just leave me alone. Get it...it's not a question.

2) "Yes, sure, no problem. I hear you." Now would you please just give me what I want. And, once I've gotten it, I don't need to be accountable for what I've said. I might even forget it.

Well, now. This is a new awareness of human behavior. I've seen it and possibly even attracted it in my naivety. I've fought with the outcomes, all along thinking I could have prevented them. And I was so busy doing that, that I couldn't even notice the underlying messages.

Note: Watch. Learn. Listen. Carefully. Be responsible. Take care and exercise a prudent attitude.

Today's conversations with Americans were real and full of examination. Thank you RO, JV, LC and WC.

fear

as i stay here in the u.s. longer, i experience phases of awareness. the latest one is the fear that permeates the air. people seem to take the fear for granted. now i find myself knowing that the right thing to do is to put up curtains, not give out my home number to people i do not know well and don't assume people care to understand there is another way. i sometimes feel like an immigrant who came here alone like in "Brother from Another Planet." That's a movie, though. i'm not fragile but i am vulnerable in a truly physical way. the passivity of the japanese made tokyo a relaxing city. i got used to that on a level i was not aware of until now.

diary entry

Time to make another cup of coffee.
Intimacy is not created in a moment...would that it were!
Intimacy and depth go hand-in-hand.
Not necessarily with other humans like myself.
My most intimate, deep relationships are with my cats right now.
In Tokyo, I had a few intimate relationships...with my landlady, my boss and two friends who were also my cat-sitters. And, what my lonely hunger could not see back in those days, was - that was enough. So, I'm back to square one. Exploring. Being cautious. I've had a few encounters that did not bring about intimacy. To me, intimacy is the ability to relate to another as a whole person. If that does not exist, then what shows us for me are shallow encounters. This is not a negative judgment. It is the same as looking at a potato and seeing a potato; looking at a watermelon and not seeing a potato. On one level, we are all connected to the intimacy of life. Now I'm at square two.

Dear Whoever-Reads-This:

If I am asking for anything it is "a hug and a little understanding."
I gotta start somewhere or I will drown in a sea of negativity and despair. So, first:

Goodbye to the people who have made it clear they don't want to have anything to do with me as a whole person. I am sorry because you couldn't bear with us and love that my heart is in the right place. I formally attach you to everyone in my biological family except my ALS-stricken mother. Goodbye family members. I have nothing left to offer you without having to give up my own blessed sanity. I hereby cut the mind-map links that continue your cycle of insanity. And somehow I trust that my embodiment of life will be much better for having taken this action. Second:

Positivity

Ojai Music Festival:

Volunteered backstage with a woman with Down's Syndrome. Kept to myself - at times, it was just me and a short gray-haired man who spent most of his time walking in the lot alone before the show. I liked the space between us. It was a huge space yet he felt familiar. We said hello and he looked at the cover of my book and smiled. I read until the sun went down and the performance began. It turned out the gray-haired man was the conductor. The first half of the performance was moving and I felt that momentary peace that I want to last a little longer in my life. During intermission, the conductor came out and paced again.

Went back this afternoon and backed out on my volunteer duties for this rather large event. Stayed present and with myself. Just being alone isn't against the law. I'm not doing anything illegal by eating an ice cream cone and listening to the water trickle from a fountain. As I walked back to my car, I spotted the giant trunk of the Eucalyptus tree that I brushed my body against the night before. I thought of the conductor and his pacing and smiled.

Happenings:

J came over yesterday and I fixed lunch for us. I love cooking for myself and others! ION called from Austin and gave to me his heart-felt "treatise on cosmic fire" which I fully heard while getting dressed, brushing my teeth and driving to the festival, asking a few questions along the way. L.K. called this morning from Ohio and we had a conversation; the kind I want to cultivate and explore with him and others. sharing is possible. Mrs. G called from Florida and we talked for a long time. She understood; she's good at that. I acknowledge her and people like her. And I know I am leaving alot of important things out. Elizabeth is still breathing. The cats are healthy and sleeping.

And to the people who are reading this - I don't know what you may be getting out of this blog but may I share this: resolve to take your very last breath of life really, truly liking yourself.

diary entry

Explore what it feels like
to know true intimacy
and to know when there
is too much shallow water
for the depth that true
intimacy requires.
Maybe give up some things
And try some new things.
Yes!
But slowly, slowly...
go out to a little deeper
water and don't be afraid
to do it alone.

Moon, Oh Moon!

The moon is filled with numberless yesterdays and teaches us to learn, if we want. Even if we don't want, we are still pulled as the tide. Oh, Moon...if we don't embrace you, how tricky you are. I effortless want to run into your arms when you are full. When you hide, I still know you are there. Thank you, Mother.

Incubating

There is nothing wrong with staying home and incubating. I appreciate the phone calls.

some words

I feel it now...that treasure of being alive...the innate love. But this "I" has so much experience of being hurt. My "I" does not trust people. Really, how does one even have a conversation about it without having to confront the accumulation of all that is the "I." Beneath the "I" is pure creativity. It was felt and touched tonight - what a treasure. In a room full of teenagers.

monday, when I should be somewhere else....

No matter how original someone thinks themselves to be, there are truly few originals left on the planet. It seems very easy to pass yourself off; it seems much more difficult to stand your ground. You take a risk but it may be one of the most worthy endeavors left to free thinkers on the planet. It is too big a burden for mere mortals: to be self-conscious and a free spirit.

Anarchy of Love

It seems to me that a large part of healing is to embrace the natural ability to embody unconditional love without the need to make it look a certain way.

On Travel, Love and Romance

I'm not yet sure how it fosters humor but I'm open to laughter so very, very much. I would also add, "travel to relate , more than to explore."


"So travel, at heart, is just a quick way to keeping our minds mobile and awake. As Santayana,
the heir to Emerson and Thoreau with whom I began, wrote, "There is wisdom in turning as often
as possible from the familiar to the unfamiliar; it keeps the mind nimble; it kills prejudice, and it
fosters humor." Romantic poets inaugurated an era of travel because they were the great apostles
of open eyes. Buddhist monks are often vagabonds, in part because they believe in wakefulness.
And if travel is like love, it is, in the end, mostly because it's a heightened state of awareness,
in which we are mindful, receptive, undimmed by familiarity and ready to be transformed.
That is why the best trips, like the best love affairs, never really end." writer and novelist, Pico Iyer.

ONE

Only one thing matters and one thing only - to be whole, to act in wholeness and to feel whole.

Cultural Relativism and Thoughts on Food

Recently, I have come across the word "loca-vore" which means a person who eats locally. Define local. Japan is the size of the entire state of California. So, if I eat something grown in northern California, is that local? In a city of 12 million people, I could easily find a dozen mom-and-pop small stores that sold domestically produced produce on the 4 lane road next to the "Urbane Fox For Ladies" building where I lived (aka Seisho Arms) in Tokyo. I know the vegetables there were produced in Japan - as well as the rice. About 30% of the fruit was grown in Japan at these stores. Now I live in a small valley that prides itself on ORGANIC. Yet, there is only one mom-and-pop store I know of here. There are CSA's, which I guess are the closest thing to the stores I could so easily find on the Ome Kaido (street I lived on) that sold seasonal produce. I took it all for granted. I never used processed-anything except maybe Yuzu Ponsu. There is no doubt that the produce was not Organic at these stores. So, to be a loca-vore is one thing; to be a loca-vore and organic may be another. Lest I ruffle feathers, I think I will keep this blog entry right here. Upsetting Americans and their viewpoints is still rather a scary place to prospect.

saturday afternoon in the rain

Ok.
Process implies time. Time implies patience.
Ok.
Instantaneous awareness is a point without time. To notice this, one must be still and have a quiet mind.
Ok.
Time is traveling. In a journey, breaks are necessary.
Just stop. Giving myself a break.
Ok.

The capacity for "not becoming" but "being;" the capacity for "non-relationship" but "relating." And relating to oneself as the same essence as the matter in a raindrop.

I've heard people try to fit me into their box; that was already there before we met.
My soul is a wave. How can one tame a wave? Coach a wave? Train a wave?
Bond with me on an intellectual level and I'll learn brain-exercises.
Bond with me on a soulful level and I'm a wave.

note: the marriage of a wave (soul) and a tree (brain) = a mangrove forest.

2:09 Done

In the
space between
primordial fauna
and eternal
mind
walks the ethereal.
This is best done
with a book on one's
head.

Loss of the Power of Speech

A silent requiem of acceptance.
Words are useless now.
There are choices ahead
to make in full awareness.
Is it okay not to speak?
Never mind, I won't speak.
Just looking is enough.
Looking and tapping.
Tap, tap tapping.
Moving harder. My
hand not hitting so
much as blending
into the rhythm.
Soft touch. Yes.
Because I can't "be"
that. I "am" that.
Nothing more. Nothing more.
Moving my body away from the shore.
Overwhelming sorrow-sickness.
But don't tell anyone.
Let their soul understand.

Whew! Glad to get that off my chest.

trust that

Elizabeth, the woman who gave birth to me, has gotten ALS - amyotrophic lateral sclerosis.

Today: Mornings at home are nice. I am composting through utter intuition; making an elixir of soil. Holy. Holy. Getting out of my head. Love. Love. Dance. Dance. Before long, the clock reminds me I need to show up at my workplace. From there, things get swirly in a sea of professionalism though, at least, I am not heaved upon. I want to go into the middle of the room and meditate with the kids. I want to pass around a stick or a basket and talk like that. Really, really...I want to talk like that with my mother, my aunt and my cousins. An intention. Universe, Earth...give me the strength to protect Laura 8 when around my aunt and cousins so I can take my sticks and my baskets and my medicine to my mother, Elizabeth. It's funny...Laura 8 got nurtured by nature so I could do what I want to do now. This is stream-of-consciousness. I'm putting it out there and I am not claiming to be an expert on anything except intuition. Trust thyself.

Showing Up (and more Cali vocab)

More California vocabulary:

vi. to "show up." e.g. "There is no is. There is only shows up." -Nick.
vt. to "experience" a person.

走っているの白馬へ

The monologues of the males in Berkeley
Have nothing on what I've heard is me
I live in a country of masculine energy
Except for the mountains in the Ojai Valley.

They call my name to dance on them
Like Amaterasu did when I lived in Japan.

I walk the earth in a community
It doesn't all have to do with me.
Learning to hear intimately
to Love it all, transcendentally.

And lest I take things personally.
I defer to creativity.
I am a vehicle who knows nothing more
than to unite the living with being born.

Bedtime Reconciliation

There is no room for self-indulgence in care.

Who was I talking to about the childishness of Japanese?
How did that man, my friend, know that to bring me here
to get me over here, was so necessary to help me heal from atrophy?
and take care of my starving animus?

There is no room for self-indulgence in creation.

People show up, yes they do.
And we make a big soup of people.
We put our love and care into
that soup. I want to taste really good.
I want to make a whole new me.
An unpolluted river.

There is no room for self-indulgence in love.

There is a place I know.
Where the river flows
just like the stream between
a woman's legs.

Everything is clear
And waiting for me
To show up and baptize
my self-worth, a new name
Courage and trust
in the waters of that river.

Docking

The truth-being sweet and sour
flesh changing colour from hour to hour
Hold forth the ancient, the new and just-landed
to summon Green Tara on the banks, empty-handed.

Open to enfold, to embrace, to join
Enlightened Activity transforms the forlorn.
Formerly a pilot, an explorer, adrift
comes home to dock, her goddess, her witch.

New Year's Declarations

I declare that I will take good care of myself and the world of which I am a part. I declare to create the possibility of being aware of this relationship moment-by-moment.

I declare that the outcome is a function of the care and attention put into the moment. Nowhere can this show up better than in relationship.

I declare that I am looking for a place where I can bring out my latent childhood experiences and work through them with others engaged in the same healing.

I declare that I will go where I want to go and hang out with people in this amazing energy field where I live.

I declare that I am not a substance abuser.

I declare that I am not any more special than any other organism. I declare that we are a part of the wholeness and its divinity. I declare that divinity is illumination and no effort is required to know this.

I declare that my true nature is free of conflict and problems because I know this to never change because it can't change. No amount of thought can change it.

I declare to be kind and compassionate to expressed thoughts.

I declare to pay attention to tendencies, patterns and habits and stop the abusive ones with the love in the air that I breathe to live.