Haven't posted a blog entry for some time because I am in the thick of another move to a place 5 miles away. I've written three pieces, however, but I feel unsure about posting them. I will when I am ready. My confidence ebbs and flows these days. I forgot to take a Wellbutrin today, which is part of my smoking cessation plan. It is 2am and, of course, I am up. It has been like this for 22 months. Maybe I'll have to live with this sleeping disorder for the rest of my life. Maybe not.
I haven't smoked a cigarette in 22 days. It is difficult. Hard. But necessary so I can overcome the power of addiction. I have such sympathy and empathy for drug addicts now - more than I've ever had.
Today, a man tossed a paper book of poems in my hand and performed one of them on the sidewalk next to me. He asked for $1.00 in return - for lunch - and I thought that was a reasonable exchange. I had a great massage given by a Chinese man who spoke no English. It was familiar and sad at the same time (なつかしい）to get a massage by someone who knew exactly what he was doing and didn't need to (try and) talk about it.
I feel a little more objective about human relationships these days but I fear that I will succumb to the common and insensitive human activities I often observe: scrutinization, judgment and criticism of others. I think it is a protective mechanism to shield people from being exposed. Or it might be an issue of control. Either way, not gentle. But I can still be gentle. I am in this place but not of this place because the more I try to fit in, the more I feel rejected. I've got to let go of just about everything that gives me a sense of security.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Groove Rediscovered
International-Returnee feeling lost? Find your Inner Core and rediscover It. Your native land is a helluva place to be without it.Last night, I got home late. Boxes all over the place - waiting to be packed. Walked upstairs, plopped down in front of computer. For no reason, went to YouTube to listen to the Isley Brothers' "It's Your Thing." Stood up, started grooving/dancing. Neck pain went away, back pain went away. Lumbosacral Strain...whatever.
From Memphis to Miami to Gainesville to Houston to Tokyo and points beyond...and Back To The Birthplace, I've lost, let go of, freaked out, and, and....
I aint giving up my groove for no body, no relative, no man, no culture, no menopause, no circumstances, no religion, no group pressure, no righteous indignation, no control freaks, power trippers, grief dispensaries, new age analysts, pagan healers (who I love dearly,) hormone depletion, cancer risks, disease, betrayal, liars, baggage of others, loneliness, anxiety, depression, wrinkles, heartbreak, extreme mental overload, scary California highways, a flat tire, beer, wine, cigarettes, aging - and even martinis.
Can I feel compassion for all of the above? YES and then some...
Groove goes where I go.
From Memphis to Miami to Gainesville to Houston to Tokyo and points beyond...and Back To The Birthplace, I've lost, let go of, freaked out, and, and....
I aint giving up my groove for no body, no relative, no man, no culture, no menopause, no circumstances, no religion, no group pressure, no righteous indignation, no control freaks, power trippers, grief dispensaries, new age analysts, pagan healers (who I love dearly,) hormone depletion, cancer risks, disease, betrayal, liars, baggage of others, loneliness, anxiety, depression, wrinkles, heartbreak, extreme mental overload, scary California highways, a flat tire, beer, wine, cigarettes, aging - and even martinis.
Can I feel compassion for all of the above? YES and then some...
Groove goes where I go.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
!st F/T Job In The U.S. & What I Learnt
(Before reading, please note that this entry is an edited [watered-down] version of the original. Furthermore, this is a personal interpretation of events and not necessarily a true account - though it is sure nuff true to me.)
I had never been gainfully employed in the states until last Fall when I showed up for the new employee orientation. At that point, I had used up all my Japan savings that I brought with me and needed an income.
Background: I left a job in Tokyo that I loved doing with people that I loved working with. Tears were shed when I left. The hours were great and I got two bonuses a year even though I was considered semi full-time and paid by the hour. My supervisor was also my friend. We lived in the same neighborhood in a city of 12 million people. After work, some of us would go out to dinner and maybe to a music bar later. I was able to walk to work which was amazing as most Tokyoites have to deal with some kind of daily commute. It was not a teaching job. I worked around a lot of editors and writers.
More Background: Aside from p/t gigs here and there doing rewriting and some translation, I did alot of teaching in the many years I lived in Tokyo. While not as wonderful as my job in publishing, I was never given any grief even by those with whom I didn't get along. All the teachers stood as as a unified front to make our jobs easier and to give the students an organizational structure that they could rely upon; this attitude was a given. There was respect always, though begrudgingly offered at times. Respect was paramount.
THEN...comes THIS:
First, I have to say that, given a solid support system (upon my return) I would have perhaps dovetailed into something right for me. In fact, I was going to take up modeling for artists and substitute teach when...
I got hired full time! Yay! I was looking for a mentor in the woman who advocated hiring me. Mentor, she was not. From the first day on the job, she expected me to bend over and take it. I would not do so because, frankly, she was too damn pushy and rude. I was not going to submit to her crazy orders but I had no cultural background to deal with someone like this. The year plodded on...someone in administration would reign her in and she would leave me alone for a day or two and then her crazy orders would start up again. It was suggested that I document everything, which I did. Now it is December and I am really stressed out. I try to be polite and professional but I increasingly come to feel isolated and at the hands of someone abusing her authority. It seems everyone is not as unified as what I was used to. My memories start creeping in regarding my employment experience in Japan when I felt appreciated, respected and I could sleep properly. The pain in my heart starts up and my sleep disorder increases to the point where I wake up every night at 2 a.m. and cannot go back to sleep.
In January, I am a wreck. I'm still trying to be nice and professional but my body will not let me go back to sleep and I wake up every morning tired. I wiki "micromanagement" and learn that, aside from her obscene need to gain my ultimate submission, she is most definitely trying to manage "me" in this way. As a teacher! Doesn't make much sense if you ask me. And to add to more situational irony, I was having intermittent, interesting and pleasurable experiences of a certain kind in a long-distance situation (not an ideal situation given my state-of-mind. ) My body finally revolted in late January and I went to see my doctor (using my insurance, damnit!) who told me that if I needed to get through the rest of the year with proper sleep, I should begin taking Ativan (another prescription drug I had never heard of) but it worked and I could get a good night's sleep to face the job the next day.
Well, what is there left to say? The school year ended and my confidence in personal and professional relationships was reduced to a fragility I had never experienced before. Having to maintain rigid boundaries around my co-worker was the only healthy approach in order to keep my dignity intact. It was not a good, healthy relationship. And it was never meant to be from the start. She disrespected me with no reason to do so and abused her position of authority. For example, she berated me in front of the students (something I later found is illegal in a school setting in the U.S.) outright lied, manipulated and spoke to me as though I were her slave. Then, one day she up and told everyone (except me) that she was resigning.
Afterthoughts: to succeed and be happy here - both professionally and personally - I am going to have to stand up for myself when necessary. There is no etiquette that I have found that acts as a cultural overlay. The Japanese have had a long time to put their business etiquette into practice. And I realized that, in Japan, my jobs were my refuge. This year, getting up every morning was full of a dread that I had never experienced in my life. There was no refuge. And there was no refuge in my personal life....SO
My smoking increased to the point of beyond the beyond. (I'm a Non-Smoker now.)
My drinking increased to the point of, "I prefer beer to water." (I'm tapering off...)
And I learnt: substance-abuse is not the antidote to stress.
NO! NO! NO! Standing up for oneself when necessary, appropriate and required is something that will serve one well in this country. I wouldn't recommend challenging authority in the workplace but one has to make their voice heard here and, most likely, it is expected.
Forethought: M.A. in Library Science? - full well knowing that I am assuming American libraries are still quiet places to be (as they were before I left.)
An international-returnee can assume nothing. The longer you're gone, the more difficult it is to assume anything. Again, this experience teaches:
1) gentle situations
2) calm observations
3) receptivity (evaluatory, not indiscriminate..ie, saying YES to everything!)
4) letting go in order to receive
5) stress is inevitable at the beginning
6) and that, if you're like me, you'll find yourself on a journey that puts you in touch with your issues. I am starting to like using that word.
"You are wonderful. Just believing it is all that is necessary." -R.C.
I had never been gainfully employed in the states until last Fall when I showed up for the new employee orientation. At that point, I had used up all my Japan savings that I brought with me and needed an income.
Background: I left a job in Tokyo that I loved doing with people that I loved working with. Tears were shed when I left. The hours were great and I got two bonuses a year even though I was considered semi full-time and paid by the hour. My supervisor was also my friend. We lived in the same neighborhood in a city of 12 million people. After work, some of us would go out to dinner and maybe to a music bar later. I was able to walk to work which was amazing as most Tokyoites have to deal with some kind of daily commute. It was not a teaching job. I worked around a lot of editors and writers.
More Background: Aside from p/t gigs here and there doing rewriting and some translation, I did alot of teaching in the many years I lived in Tokyo. While not as wonderful as my job in publishing, I was never given any grief even by those with whom I didn't get along. All the teachers stood as as a unified front to make our jobs easier and to give the students an organizational structure that they could rely upon; this attitude was a given. There was respect always, though begrudgingly offered at times. Respect was paramount.
THEN...comes THIS:
First, I have to say that, given a solid support system (upon my return) I would have perhaps dovetailed into something right for me. In fact, I was going to take up modeling for artists and substitute teach when...
I got hired full time! Yay! I was looking for a mentor in the woman who advocated hiring me. Mentor, she was not. From the first day on the job, she expected me to bend over and take it. I would not do so because, frankly, she was too damn pushy and rude. I was not going to submit to her crazy orders but I had no cultural background to deal with someone like this. The year plodded on...someone in administration would reign her in and she would leave me alone for a day or two and then her crazy orders would start up again. It was suggested that I document everything, which I did. Now it is December and I am really stressed out. I try to be polite and professional but I increasingly come to feel isolated and at the hands of someone abusing her authority. It seems everyone is not as unified as what I was used to. My memories start creeping in regarding my employment experience in Japan when I felt appreciated, respected and I could sleep properly. The pain in my heart starts up and my sleep disorder increases to the point where I wake up every night at 2 a.m. and cannot go back to sleep.
In January, I am a wreck. I'm still trying to be nice and professional but my body will not let me go back to sleep and I wake up every morning tired. I wiki "micromanagement" and learn that, aside from her obscene need to gain my ultimate submission, she is most definitely trying to manage "me" in this way. As a teacher! Doesn't make much sense if you ask me. And to add to more situational irony, I was having intermittent, interesting and pleasurable experiences of a certain kind in a long-distance situation (not an ideal situation given my state-of-mind. ) My body finally revolted in late January and I went to see my doctor (using my insurance, damnit!) who told me that if I needed to get through the rest of the year with proper sleep, I should begin taking Ativan (another prescription drug I had never heard of) but it worked and I could get a good night's sleep to face the job the next day.
Well, what is there left to say? The school year ended and my confidence in personal and professional relationships was reduced to a fragility I had never experienced before. Having to maintain rigid boundaries around my co-worker was the only healthy approach in order to keep my dignity intact. It was not a good, healthy relationship. And it was never meant to be from the start. She disrespected me with no reason to do so and abused her position of authority. For example, she berated me in front of the students (something I later found is illegal in a school setting in the U.S.) outright lied, manipulated and spoke to me as though I were her slave. Then, one day she up and told everyone (except me) that she was resigning.
Afterthoughts: to succeed and be happy here - both professionally and personally - I am going to have to stand up for myself when necessary. There is no etiquette that I have found that acts as a cultural overlay. The Japanese have had a long time to put their business etiquette into practice. And I realized that, in Japan, my jobs were my refuge. This year, getting up every morning was full of a dread that I had never experienced in my life. There was no refuge. And there was no refuge in my personal life....SO
My smoking increased to the point of beyond the beyond. (I'm a Non-Smoker now.)
My drinking increased to the point of, "I prefer beer to water." (I'm tapering off...)
And I learnt: substance-abuse is not the antidote to stress.
NO! NO! NO! Standing up for oneself when necessary, appropriate and required is something that will serve one well in this country. I wouldn't recommend challenging authority in the workplace but one has to make their voice heard here and, most likely, it is expected.
Forethought: M.A. in Library Science? - full well knowing that I am assuming American libraries are still quiet places to be (as they were before I left.)
An international-returnee can assume nothing. The longer you're gone, the more difficult it is to assume anything. Again, this experience teaches:
1) gentle situations
2) calm observations
3) receptivity (evaluatory, not indiscriminate..ie, saying YES to everything!)
4) letting go in order to receive
5) stress is inevitable at the beginning
6) and that, if you're like me, you'll find yourself on a journey that puts you in touch with your issues. I am starting to like using that word.
"You are wonderful. Just believing it is all that is necessary." -R.C.
Thanks
Friday, July 17, 2009
Quote of the Day
"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave wo/man is not s/he who does not feel afraid, but s/he who conquers that fear." !
-Nelson Mandela.
A world hero.
-Nelson Mandela.
A world hero.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
The Door of Offering
Battling the mother of my addictions (cigarettes) I get some amazing support from K.J.Gawd, thanks to K.K. - I can smile and breathe at the same time. The chick has a wonderful sense of humour -a compassionate sense of humour. Too bad we don't live near each other. Every international-returnee needs someone to snap them out of the inevitable confusion of cultural contradictions, even if only temporarily. Here is a frontal pic of me taken at the place where I met her, 8 months into my transition. This is a special place, the home of the artist who wrote this:
http://trconnection.com/lyrics/Song.27.12
Zen Party
禅会
There are alot easier things to define
Without the craving of Zen on your mind.
You don't have to talk any more or any less
To discover the meaning of meaningfulness.
There is no need for a zen retreat
To ponder if the ends will meet.
See that girl in Shinjuku -
She's wrapping up a hose.
See, she doesn't have a clue
She's just doing what she does.
Without the craving of Zen on your mind.
You don't have to talk any more or any less
To discover the meaning of meaningfulness.
There is no need for a zen retreat
To ponder if the ends will meet.
See that girl in Shinjuku -
She's wrapping up a hose.
See, she doesn't have a clue
She's just doing what she does.
Without thinking, meditation.
Pure repetitive creation.
Perspectives will change
And Now will rearrange.
There is no reason to explain
that when I'm full, I will refrain.
Perspectives will change
And Now will rearrange.
There is no reason to explain
that when I'm full, I will refrain.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Two Johns
Thank you, John, for the 気候・Qi Gong. It really does help and will be even better when I move into a more shaded area for daily practice.
Thank you John in Tokyo for your general feedback in your email. Ex-pats seem to have a perspective that is freer of outright judgement and a need to define. I realize I have that perspective too as do others I've met here who have actually LIVED abroad. Your analysis of what you found "telling" also makes alot of sense to me.
It is still hard to fit in, but you Two Johns have been a comfort today (as well as one SW) and today the 禅 locomotive of enlightenment crashed right into my young and restless heart. It still hurts but a calm seed of maturity is growing - it might even turn out to be a jewel if I treat it right.
Thank you John in Tokyo for your general feedback in your email. Ex-pats seem to have a perspective that is freer of outright judgement and a need to define. I realize I have that perspective too as do others I've met here who have actually LIVED abroad. Your analysis of what you found "telling" also makes alot of sense to me.
It is still hard to fit in, but you Two Johns have been a comfort today (as well as one SW) and today the 禅 locomotive of enlightenment crashed right into my young and restless heart. It still hurts but a calm seed of maturity is growing - it might even turn out to be a jewel if I treat it right.
"Fair Warning"
To be grateful for what is presenting itself to me now - the sounds of nature, the wind on my skin, my health and my ability to learn and grow will get me through this difficult, yet awakening period.
There is something beautiful in every person. It is up to us to see it and find its most meaningful expression. This is my challenge now. The tears one person sheds are the tears of humanity; the happiness one feels is the happiness of humanity. Shared love is the love of the one.
What got me stuck
I cannot overlook
Confidence is masked
And you live in the past
Until tied to the tracks
One day you must ask...
http://trconnection.com/lyrics/Song.10.6
There is something beautiful in every person. It is up to us to see it and find its most meaningful expression. This is my challenge now. The tears one person sheds are the tears of humanity; the happiness one feels is the happiness of humanity. Shared love is the love of the one.
What got me stuck
I cannot overlook
Confidence is masked
And you live in the past
Until tied to the tracks
One day you must ask...
http://trconnection.com/lyrics/Song.10.6
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Timeless Memory
Thanks for the emails and the encouragement. I will "keep this blog alive." And I will keep my love alive. And thank goodness for Kind of Blue and So What!!! I appreciated him in 1990, however, I have a more mature understanding of the word "appreciate" now and I thank his spirit on this day - July 14, 2009 (also the day I didn't log in to Facebook at all) To lay down and receive music is, to me, a huge immeasurable and timeless gift.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Good music
Today marks the first day I have sprawled on my futon in the mid-day summer California heat to listen to - at random - anything by John Coltrane, Miles Davis and Sonny Rollins that is on Youtube. ALL of what I heard is what I would deem "international-returnee recovery music."
Here's one that is not too long:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGY5pzxR6ug
Here's one that is not too long:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGY5pzxR6ug
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Quotes of the Day
"Work is the curse of the drinking classes." - O.W.
I don't know why I never saw a correllary between these two before but it's a brilliant quote (and doesn't apply to wine-tasting events.)
"I need to get my confidence back. What others think of me can't matter as much as what I think of myself." - L.W.
I don't know why I never saw a correllary between these two before but it's a brilliant quote (and doesn't apply to wine-tasting events.)
"I need to get my confidence back. What others think of me can't matter as much as what I think of myself." - L.W.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Close to Normal
I can see somewhat clearly now that, although not recognized in the same category - and, perhaps, not recognized at all for being what it is - the international returnee experience in adulthood is similar to any life changing experience that forces a transition. In my case, similar to the death of a twenty-year-old child or the ending of a twenty year marriage (because I wasn't prepared for the loss I would feel) or any significant life changing event on that level - close even to the experience of refugees and immigrants. The fact that I stayed in Tokyo for twenty years and left is similar to someone who decides to change their career or lifestyle in mid-life. There WILL be a transitional period. I recommend having or finding support during this period, especially at the onset.
Esalen Hot Tub
As I stepped into the hot tubs at Esalen, I allowed myself to be silent and listen to all the chatter. Maybe I would learn something. And I learned that you can't tell people in the first 5 minutes of an initial conversation the details of being an international returnee. You must say that you are "in a transition." And leave it at that. Then, evaluate/receive if more interest is offered. The hot springs were lovely..they are in the lower left part of this pic.
Moving
I am moving again at the end of this month. What can I say about it? I lived in one place in Tokyo for 9 years. And this will be the fourth time I've moved in 21 months. I guess there is a certain way of dealing with all of this; just stay calm and try to be graceful.
It's really hard to be graceful without knowing there is a cigarette to puff on a'la Lauren Bacall.
It's really hard to be graceful without knowing there is a cigarette to puff on a'la Lauren Bacall.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Withdrawal
It is ALL I can do to not light up a cigarette right now. Fortunately, there are none in the house.
I am in control of myself.
I am okay just the way I am.
I am in control of myself.
I am okay just the way I am.
1st Night in Berkeley
The drive (my 4th now) up to Berkeley was not as fresh as the first three and I got to my destination easily because I knew I had to be in the left hand lane on a certain exit ramp. It was scary stopping in Soledad for petrol (gas.) I felt like I was on the Serengeti during meal time. And I shuddered to think how I would overcome this fear if I got a flat tire or something went wrong with the car. I never felt this kind of fear in Cambodia even though the Khmer Rouge were still known to snipe at people who took the boat up from Phnom Penh, as I did. I never felt this kind of fear when I went out to Tel-Al-Amarna in the deserts of central Egypt to see the ruins of Aknaten's temple-city - and it was mandatory to be escorted out by two policemen carrying AK-47's. However, I know this fear will go away over time with alot of gentle situations and calm observations.
Went to eat sushi in Berkeley. Lovely restaurant! Spoke in Japanese with the chef: the すしやさん。 Delicious sushi that revolved around - known as 回転 in Japanese. But where were all the Japanese customers?
Took a very, very long bath before bed and came out feeling like a 12 year old.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
5 days away
I'm staying in a house on top of a hill with a view of the bay below.
And I forgot the cable to my camera so pictures cannot come with any upcoming entries. Bummer. Unless I receive one on Telegraph Ave somehow.
"We are all beguiled by the display of our karma."
And I forgot the cable to my camera so pictures cannot come with any upcoming entries. Bummer. Unless I receive one on Telegraph Ave somehow.
"We are all beguiled by the display of our karma."
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Identity
The time I spent in Japan had an effect on my identity which I wasn't aware of until I returned to the states and discovered I was no longer a 外人; a "non-Japanese." A significant period of time passed (21 months) for this awareness to occur. And there was a lot of confusion in between. Feelings of awareness are moving to the surface now where they can see the light of day but they're moving so fast - like salmon swimming upstream to spawn. I have made a few close friends here but feel a loss of potential (everything that occurred in that 21 months.)
I am still in receptive mode but also see the invaluable inner-resource of evaluating anyone and anything before accepting. I also see that the offering of myself in making new friends here - in between what was familiar and getting used to the new lifestyle - was stressful.
I am still in receptive mode but also see the invaluable inner-resource of evaluating anyone and anything before accepting. I also see that the offering of myself in making new friends here - in between what was familiar and getting used to the new lifestyle - was stressful.
Good News on the Global Front
I am relieved because
I just got an email from
my friend in a certain
country and he is safe
and alive. (picture
forthcoming.) I still
can't sleep but thanks
be to god on Earth,
he is still breathing.
I just got an email from
my friend in a certain
country and he is safe
and alive. (picture
forthcoming.) I still
can't sleep but thanks
be to god on Earth,
he is still breathing.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Insomnia
October 1, 2007, I moved here:
From here on September 30, 2007:
With LAX in the middle. Well, I did sleep a little on the plane. One night, I was listening to the familiar sounds of ambulances, cars and the "yakiimo" man. The following evening I heard the sounds of coyotes for the first time. The insomia came on strong at this time and I've been grappling with it ever since. Crushed Valerian root before bedtime seems to help. The doctors prescribed Ativan.
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