2 am Update

Haven't posted a blog entry for some time because I am in the thick of another move to a place 5 miles away. I've written three pieces, however, but I feel unsure about posting them. I will when I am ready. My confidence ebbs and flows these days. I forgot to take a Wellbutrin today, which is part of my smoking cessation plan. It is 2am and, of course, I am up. It has been like this for 22 months. Maybe I'll have to live with this sleeping disorder for the rest of my life. Maybe not.

I haven't smoked a cigarette in 22 days. It is difficult. Hard. But necessary so I can overcome the power of addiction. I have such sympathy and empathy for drug addicts now - more than I've ever had.

Today, a man tossed a paper book of poems in my hand and performed one of them on the sidewalk next to me. He asked for $1.00 in return - for lunch - and I thought that was a reasonable exchange. I had a great massage given by a Chinese man who spoke no English. It was familiar and sad at the same time (なつかしい）to get a massage by someone who knew exactly what he was doing and didn't need to (try and) talk about it.

I feel a little more objective about human relationships these days but I fear that I will succumb to the common and insensitive human activities I often observe: scrutinization, judgment and criticism of others. I think it is a protective mechanism to shield people from being exposed. Or it might be an issue of control. Either way, not gentle. But I can still be gentle. I am in this place but not of this place because the more I try to fit in, the more I feel rejected. I've got to let go of just about everything that gives me a sense of security.