last thing

"New Year's Eve parties are a celebration and testament to man's ability to count." - B.J.

2:36 Done

Honesty

Walk into your open arms
Embrace you with mine
Don't know beyond that
But it will all be fine.

For one thing I know
You didn't even try
To help me see love
personified.

"Morning Has Broken"

One way to end the cycle of abuse in the early stages of recognition is not to take ownership of judgmental commentary, accusations and name-calling as well as the compulsion or garden-variety neurotic need to make you at fault or to blame for the situation and conditions. And, challenging though it may be, remove yourself from their sphere of operation.

Then, turn it around and resist the temptation to do the same.

I am thankful to and for life.
I am part of life.
I am thankful for my life.

bodily conditions of an international-returnee

Bodily conditions of an international-returnee.

FROM Tokyo
TO Southern California (small town)
FAMILY IN AREA: none
REASON FOR RETURN: to live holistically and inquire into matters of the mind through dialogue JOB: yes. PROVIDE MORE DETAILS IF NECESSARY: gainful employment with medical and dental benefits, regular hours, slice of meat-and-potatoes Americana.
Spouse: pending successful brain transplant
Children: none but I'm thinkin' about talking to doc Friends/Significant Others: y..y..y..y..Yes.

Ailments requiring medical attention:
Insomnia brought on by PTSD.
treatment: Valerian root taken nightly before bedtime.

Sciatica brought on by regularly driving a car; also, perhaps, sleeping on a bed.
treatment: stretching, rolfing; changing from bed to use of futon.

divurticulitis brought on by eating relatively unhealthy foods provided at workplace.
treatment: refrain, whenever possible, from eating in the dining hall of workplace.

All treatments appear to be working successfully. Patient no longer engaged in rolfing; has expressed desire to take more walks in morning before work. Diet improved significantly - suggest no further meals at work.

Don't Turn Around

I don't fully know how I'm gonna psychologically survive this winter and the holidays. I haven't found a cruising altitude yet...not yet in the 25.5 months I've been in California. And I am getting tired. But I must be...yes, I must be learning not to carry the burden of others in whatever form they arrive without them willing to be mutual. I wish to wrap myself in Commes de Garcon-black. And walk around some place like Warzawa or Berlin before the wall came down. Where is it like that now? A place where suffering is elevated to a sense of beauty; not that I want any part of that melodrama - I just want to observe it, like a bridge spans here and there. Walking over a bridge in Eastern Europe; say, Bosnia-Herzegovina would suit me just fine. At night in the cold...wearing my woolen blue coat, hanging in my closet. I have not worn it since the Tokyo winter of 2007.

Valley of Flames

A little flame; an image of a place and time that unfolded with another person. I think I've seen a similar flame before. I'm stopping now; wondering if I should put it out or let it be. Alas, www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZSjSSazgjQ&feature=PlayList&p=87210601714A9B37&index=0 Exciting but not gentle.

Me = Us

once upon a time, i was pursued. i'll never know whether that "process" was because of my looks at the time or something else; after all, i was just being me and that "me" sure started to piss him off right about the time i needed his help of friendship and love the most. But, as the me was there from the time we met until the time he left the "process" of wanting to be with me, it feels like my looks at the time were a big part of the attraction. Nevertheless, as I said, I don't KNOW.

it's entirely possible i have found the thing that never changes; that never moves; the thing Gangaji speaks of. It feels like it lives in my backbone and if i put a word on it, that word would be: kindness, goodness or consideration.

once, i sat in front of a rimpoche and he talked about compassion. someone asked, i think it was that same ol' me, "how can one have compassion for an abuser?" he distinctly did not understand the question and it was left unanswered. ironically, everyone in the audience thanked me for asking it. whoa.

now, toni morrison may have given me the answer when she said, "if you can only be tall because somebody else is on their knees, then you have a serious problem." She went on to say, "don't you understand that the people who do this thing, who practice [abuse], are bereft."

i don't really have a point here. maybe the point would be concerned with the socio-linguistics involved in the plural of "me" being "us."

Fossils and Wednesday Night

The fossils in my bathroom tile
Pointed out to me while...
covered in water and neroli oil
Devoted meanings of utter turmoil.






Today, I woke up late. I, again, did not give myself a chance to think about returning to Tokyo for a visit. Well, maybe...this time - I didn't even think about that identification. I changed into my preferred attire and drove to Taormina. I stayed at a table with J.D. , next to a kitchen and proofread Krishnamurti's Commentaries on Living (for 12 bucks an hour.) A start...a start to the circle within or without the circle.

Driving home to change into my work attire, I'm thinking, "this twisting and turning road is part of where I live; up high in the high desert - in a place the Europeans didn't find out about until much, much later. I'm going home to change into my work attire and, when I arrive, I'll walk down a path covered in fallen leaves and acorns.

I will change into my striped skirt and my sleeveless sweater and I'll put on my black jacket and my black knee-length boots. I will get in my car again and drive to my workplace. Once there, I will get a hug on the grassy campus from my friend, J.H. I will fit in, I will belong. And in the moment of this narrative, I trust that I will be getting into bed, will be closing my eyes or keeping them open - for however long it takes to fall asleep - being a part of this world.

Autumn Night in the High Desert

Galactic Cannibalism. The bigger galaxies get bigger and the smaller ones get eaten.

Lovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvve.
To everyone who inspires others; I am everyone. Inspire me. Let me inspire you. Let the gap be filled or emptied with love.

Feeling weird.
Feeling sane.
"We are meaning-making machines."

A Quote That Transformed My Life

"Laura, you belong in this group." - D.L.

Decompression

Three things invited my serenity today:
1) my colleague opening the doors (I saw some little palm trees.)
2) JDSuperstar
3) the link below:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vaQR4Fm3sAM

The Summer Move

Back in the days
Of moving I say,
Whew, I'm glad it's over
Not a good place to recover

I love my new place
More than outta space
I feel covered in trees
And mornings of ease

When I lay down in bed
Still think of things said
And wonder why life
can cut my heart like a knife

And with belt in my hand
At the boxes command
I swore an eternity
To go there peacefully

Little Trip

Went to Chicago for two nights...one day to see a concert and Lake Michigan. It was really a show.

Got some perspective.
Got to see Lake Michigan.

The Empire of Signs is no longer in my hands. I gave it to someone in Chicago who I think can appreciate it. (see picture.)

More lyrics to another song by him:
http://trconnection.com/lyrics/Song.25.3

Found the camera cable.
Finally!

Recommended Reading: The Empire of Signs

I find this to be one of the seminal books on the modern understanding of Japan. The last time I checked around for it, it was on sale (hard back version) at Amazon for far beyond my spending power. I found it today at Bart's, priced at $4.00.
There's something about book alignment and the universe here. Afterwards, I agreed to volunteer at the local library (redoing their shelving system) on Wednesday mornings, which is something I've always wanted to do.

Grocery Store Moments

Last year - I kid you not - from July 2008 to July 2009, I could count the number of times I went to the grocery store to stock up on supplies and start cooking. The main reason the trips were so few is that I was getting breakfast and lunch for free at work (though, by no means, was it a nutritious offering) and a few patrons were kind enough to treat me to a dinner or two during the week when I wasn't situationally depressed. Once, at Christmas, I went shopping to prepare for a meal and that was nice but I still can't look at the last remaining ground turkey from that time in the freezer without staring at it with a frown and a twinge of heartache. Although, with hindsight, it seems ironic that it is ground turkey in there and not ground chicken.

Today....I spent 100 bucks on food for my sweet self since I'll be eating only dinner at my workplace from now on. And I looked and looked and looked and could not, to my dismay, find the Green Goddess salad dressing. Do they not make that anymore? And what about Shredded Wheat? Couldn't find that brand either. Then, with a sense of self-love and affirmation, I pulled my grocery cart up to the check out lane and pushed it right through, expecting the cashier to pull things out of the basket, put them into another basket and lay some plastic bags on top. I'm used to catching myself now and saying, "I just came back from overseas and they do things differently," to whoever is listening. The cashier didn't seem perturbed at my oversight but the woman at the coin laundry did.

Yes...the coin laundry. My new digs do not have w/d hookups. The last time I went to a coin laundry was in the mid-90's in Shinjuku. I remember the time well because I had all my black lingerie stolen from the washing machine. Anyway, I couldn't find the start button on the dryer so I asked this person where it was located. She was not happy about sharing this information and/or dealing with someone like myself. I told her, "I just came back from overseas," but that excuse didn't work for her. And really, really....I had no idea where the start button was. Like, I really need to ask these questions for no reason. I know not understanding is often held against me here; I don't need to rub salt in the wound. Well, at least she didn't berate me.

I'm really more upset about not finding the Green Goddess.

Immediate Job Environment

Has improved ALOT since last year (see previous blog entry) with emphasis on immediate environment. I am amazed at how relatively easy my working life was in Tokyo from 1991-2007. I never imagined that I would work as hard as I am working now. It gives one pause to stop and consider...how does one improve the quality of their life when they are working so hard and expected to do so much. I still haven't thrown in the towel on having a long-lasting committed and sexual relationship (though I wouldn't balk at polygamy as long as my partner and I are committed to each other and valuing each other's lives.) I still haven't thrown in the towel on maintaining long-lasting friendships. I still haven't given up on finding a job that I am passionate about and can forge ahead with, working in small groups of committed individuals. But I feel sometimes - especially when I wake up in the wee hours of a new day - that time is not on my side. I'm single without familial support; without a sense of family, really. Landmark strongly suggested that it is possible to create possibilities. D.K. suggested in an instant message that a person "needs a job to pay the bills until they find something more inspiring." I would offer to replace find something with create something. This blog is a part of that. Right now, I am overwhelmed with the demands of my job but this year I am working with reasonable people. And another Landmark breakthrough was realizing that I was caught in a vicious cycle in between two circles; the circle of what happened and the circle of my interpretation of what happened. Child victim (yes, that happened) become perpetual victim in all relationships and continually falling into that trap throughout my life. Well, I got it now. I'll end on that note. I am standing on the threshold of space.

Re:Re-Americanization

It was not at all like "boot camp." I felt very real and very authentic in a room with other humans feeling very real and very authentic - and that is one of my possibilities: being able to feel real and authentic every second of my life even in relationships where I'm dealing with inauthenticity/lack of integrity/looking good/afraid of looking bad. And it's clear to me that I've been at that place too during my reintegration into U.S. society. So I had a breakthrough. Now I'm standing with the future in front of me. It is occurring right now that I know that I don't know, which is exciting. More to write about this. Stay tuned. Love, Laura Dawning (still looking for the camera cable...5 more boxes to go.)

Re-Americanization

From Friday through to Sunday at 10p.m., I will be engaged in a self-realization boot-camp which I assume will help me in learning how to be an American again. I do not, however, wish to give up the grace, attention to detail, virtues of honour and respect and general ethics in personal values that I had direct exposure to in Japan for many years. On the contrary, I wish to learn ways of bringing those aspects to the attention of those around me. However, I must learn to do so in an American way. I'm not sure what that way is, so I need some guidance. R.O. suggested these courses. So I'm off to LA at 3pm today.............................................!

Quote of The Day

"Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule." -Frederick Neitzche

Cable In A Box

Still looking for my camera to computer cable and I reckon it's in one of the remaining 5 boxes.
At last, I've found a place that is close to the spaciousness of my lovely flat(s) in Tokyo. I know I can't hope for a leasor-leasee relationship like the ones I had in Japan but this one seems so far, so good. Neighbor is quiet, thus far. Don't need to hang drapes or blinds yet because my neighbors are spaced far apart. My views are of trees and other live green things. So I can check one problem off my list - clautrophobia-related living issues and that represents something important and gratifying. August 1 had a magickal ring to it when it came.

A picture of The Move and some of the new place will be posted on forthcoming blogs. Thanks for tuning in to the writings from the country of Avalon Dawn.

2 am Update

Haven't posted a blog entry for some time because I am in the thick of another move to a place 5 miles away. I've written three pieces, however, but I feel unsure about posting them. I will when I am ready. My confidence ebbs and flows these days. I forgot to take a Wellbutrin today, which is part of my smoking cessation plan. It is 2am and, of course, I am up. It has been like this for 22 months. Maybe I'll have to live with this sleeping disorder for the rest of my life. Maybe not.

I haven't smoked a cigarette in 22 days. It is difficult. Hard. But necessary so I can overcome the power of addiction. I have such sympathy and empathy for drug addicts now - more than I've ever had.

Today, a man tossed a paper book of poems in my hand and performed one of them on the sidewalk next to me. He asked for $1.00 in return - for lunch - and I thought that was a reasonable exchange. I had a great massage given by a Chinese man who spoke no English. It was familiar and sad at the same time (なつかしい）to get a massage by someone who knew exactly what he was doing and didn't need to (try and) talk about it.

I feel a little more objective about human relationships these days but I fear that I will succumb to the common and insensitive human activities I often observe: scrutinization, judgment and criticism of others. I think it is a protective mechanism to shield people from being exposed. Or it might be an issue of control. Either way, not gentle. But I can still be gentle. I am in this place but not of this place because the more I try to fit in, the more I feel rejected. I've got to let go of just about everything that gives me a sense of security.

Groove Rediscovered

International-Returnee feeling lost? Find your Inner Core and rediscover It. Your native land is a helluva place to be without it.

Last night, I got home late. Boxes all over the place - waiting to be packed. Walked upstairs, plopped down in front of computer. For no reason, went to YouTube to listen to the Isley Brothers' "It's Your Thing." Stood up, started grooving/dancing. Neck pain went away, back pain went away. Lumbosacral Strain...whatever.

From Memphis to Miami to Gainesville to Houston to Tokyo and points beyond...and Back To The Birthplace, I've lost, let go of, freaked out, and, and....

I aint giving up my groove for no body, no relative, no man, no culture, no menopause, no circumstances, no religion, no group pressure, no righteous indignation, no control freaks, power trippers, grief dispensaries, new age analysts, pagan healers (who I love dearly,) hormone depletion, cancer risks, disease, betrayal, liars, baggage of others, loneliness, anxiety, depression, wrinkles, heartbreak, extreme mental overload, scary California highways, a flat tire, beer, wine, cigarettes, aging - and even martinis.

Can I feel compassion for all of the above? YES and then some...
Groove goes where I go.

!st F/T Job In The U.S. & What I Learnt

(Before reading, please note that this entry is an edited [watered-down] version of the original. Furthermore, this is a personal interpretation of events and not necessarily a true account - though it is sure nuff true to me.)

I had never been gainfully employed in the states until last Fall when I showed up for the new employee orientation. At that point, I had used up all my Japan savings that I brought with me and needed an income.

Background: I left a job in Tokyo that I loved doing with people that I loved working with. Tears were shed when I left. The hours were great and I got two bonuses a year even though I was considered semi full-time and paid by the hour. My supervisor was also my friend. We lived in the same neighborhood in a city of 12 million people. After work, some of us would go out to dinner and maybe to a music bar later. I was able to walk to work which was amazing as most Tokyoites have to deal with some kind of daily commute. It was not a teaching job. I worked around a lot of editors and writers.

More Background: Aside from p/t gigs here and there doing rewriting and some translation, I did alot of teaching in the many years I lived in Tokyo. While not as wonderful as my job in publishing, I was never given any grief even by those with whom I didn't get along. All the teachers stood as as a unified front to make our jobs easier and to give the students an organizational structure that they could rely upon; this attitude was a given. There was respect always, though begrudgingly offered at times. Respect was paramount.

THEN...comes THIS:

First, I have to say that, given a solid support system (upon my return) I would have perhaps dovetailed into something right for me. In fact, I was going to take up modeling for artists and substitute teach when...

I got hired full time! Yay! I was looking for a mentor in the woman who advocated hiring me. Mentor, she was not. From the first day on the job, she expected me to bend over and take it. I would not do so because, frankly, she was too damn pushy and rude. I was not going to submit to her crazy orders but I had no cultural background to deal with someone like this. The year plodded on...someone in administration would reign her in and she would leave me alone for a day or two and then her crazy orders would start up again. It was suggested that I document everything, which I did. Now it is December and I am really stressed out. I try to be polite and professional but I increasingly come to feel isolated and at the hands of someone abusing her authority. It seems everyone is not as unified as what I was used to. My memories start creeping in regarding my employment experience in Japan when I felt appreciated, respected and I could sleep properly. The pain in my heart starts up and my sleep disorder increases to the point where I wake up every night at 2 a.m. and cannot go back to sleep.

In January, I am a wreck. I'm still trying to be nice and professional but my body will not let me go back to sleep and I wake up every morning tired. I wiki "micromanagement" and learn that, aside from her obscene need to gain my ultimate submission, she is most definitely trying to manage "me" in this way. As a teacher! Doesn't make much sense if you ask me. And to add to more situational irony, I was having intermittent, interesting and pleasurable experiences of a certain kind in a long-distance situation (not an ideal situation given my state-of-mind. ) My body finally revolted in late January and I went to see my doctor (using my insurance, damnit!) who told me that if I needed to get through the rest of the year with proper sleep, I should begin taking Ativan (another prescription drug I had never heard of) but it worked and I could get a good night's sleep to face the job the next day.

Well, what is there left to say? The school year ended and my confidence in personal and professional relationships was reduced to a fragility I had never experienced before. Having to maintain rigid boundaries around my co-worker was the only healthy approach in order to keep my dignity intact. It was not a good, healthy relationship. And it was never meant to be from the start. She disrespected me with no reason to do so and abused her position of authority. For example, she berated me in front of the students (something I later found is illegal in a school setting in the U.S.) outright lied, manipulated and spoke to me as though I were her slave. Then, one day she up and told everyone (except me) that she was resigning.

Afterthoughts: to succeed and be happy here - both professionally and personally - I am going to have to stand up for myself when necessary. There is no etiquette that I have found that acts as a cultural overlay. The Japanese have had a long time to put their business etiquette into practice. And I realized that, in Japan, my jobs were my refuge. This year, getting up every morning was full of a dread that I had never experienced in my life. There was no refuge. And there was no refuge in my personal life....SO

My smoking increased to the point of beyond the beyond. (I'm a Non-Smoker now.)
My drinking increased to the point of, "I prefer beer to water." (I'm tapering off...)

And I learnt: substance-abuse is not the antidote to stress.

NO! NO! NO! Standing up for oneself when necessary, appropriate and required is something that will serve one well in this country. I wouldn't recommend challenging authority in the workplace but one has to make their voice heard here and, most likely, it is expected.

Forethought: M.A. in Library Science? - full well knowing that I am assuming American libraries are still quiet places to be (as they were before I left.)

An international-returnee can assume nothing. The longer you're gone, the more difficult it is to assume anything. Again, this experience teaches:
1) gentle situations
2) calm observations
3) receptivity (evaluatory, not indiscriminate..ie, saying YES to everything!)
4) letting go in order to receive
5) stress is inevitable at the beginning
6) and that, if you're like me, you'll find yourself on a journey that puts you in touch with your issues. I am starting to like using that word.

"You are wonderful. Just believing it is all that is necessary." -R.C.

Thanks

Quote of the Day

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave wo/man is not s/he who does not feel afraid, but s/he who conquers that fear." !
-Nelson Mandela.

A world hero.

The Door of Offering

Battling the mother of my addictions (cigarettes) I get some amazing support from K.J.

Gawd, thanks to K.K. - I can smile and breathe at the same time. The chick has a wonderful sense of humour -a compassionate sense of humour. Too bad we don't live near each other. Every international-returnee needs someone to snap them out of the inevitable confusion of cultural contradictions, even if only temporarily. Here is a frontal pic of me taken at the place where I met her, 8 months into my transition. This is a special place, the home of the artist who wrote this:
http://trconnection.com/lyrics/Song.27.12

Zen Party

禅会　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　

There are alot easier things to define
Without the craving of Zen on your mind.
You don't have to talk any more or any less
To discover the meaning of meaningfulness.

There is no need for a zen retreat
To ponder if the ends will meet.

See that girl in Shinjuku -
She's wrapping up a hose.
See, she doesn't have a clue
She's just doing what she does.

Without thinking, meditation.

Pure repetitive creation.

Perspectives will change
And Now will rearrange.
There is no reason to explain
that when I'm full, I will refrain.　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　

Two Johns

Thank you, John, for the 気候・Qi Gong. It really does help and will be even better when I move into a more shaded area for daily practice.

Thank you John in Tokyo for your general feedback in your email. Ex-pats seem to have a perspective that is freer of outright judgement and a need to define. I realize I have that perspective too as do others I've met here who have actually LIVED abroad. Your analysis of what you found "telling" also makes alot of sense to me.

It is still hard to fit in, but you Two Johns have been a comfort today (as well as one SW) and today the 禅　locomotive of enlightenment crashed right into my young and restless heart. It still hurts but a calm seed of maturity is growing - it might even turn out to be a jewel if I treat it right.

"Fair Warning"

To be grateful for what is presenting itself to me now - the sounds of nature, the wind on my skin, my health and my ability to learn and grow will get me through this difficult, yet awakening period.

There is something beautiful in every person. It is up to us to see it and find its most meaningful expression. This is my challenge now. The tears one person sheds are the tears of humanity; the happiness one feels is the happiness of humanity. Shared love is the love of the one.

What got me stuck
I cannot overlook
Confidence is masked
And you live in the past
Until tied to the tracks
One day you must ask...

http://trconnection.com/lyrics/Song.10.6

Timeless Memory

Thanks for the emails and the encouragement. I will "keep this blog alive." And I will keep my love alive. And thank goodness for Kind of Blue and So What!!! I appreciated him in 1990, however, I have a more mature understanding of the word "appreciate" now and I thank his spirit on this day - July 14, 2009 (also the day I didn't log in to Facebook at all) To lay down and receive music is, to me, a huge immeasurable and timeless gift.

Good music

Today marks the first day I have sprawled on my futon in the mid-day summer California heat to listen to - at random - anything by John Coltrane, Miles Davis and Sonny Rollins that is on Youtube. ALL of what I heard is what I would deem "international-returnee recovery music."

Here's one that is not too long:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGY5pzxR6ug

Quotes of the Day

"Work is the curse of the drinking classes." - O.W.
I don't know why I never saw a correllary between these two before but it's a brilliant quote (and doesn't apply to wine-tasting events.)

"I need to get my confidence back. What others think of me can't matter as much as what I think of myself." - L.W.

Close to Normal

I can see somewhat clearly now that, although not recognized in the same category - and, perhaps, not recognized at all for being what it is - the international returnee experience in adulthood is similar to any life changing experience that forces a transition. In my case, similar to the death of a twenty-year-old child or the ending of a twenty year marriage (because I wasn't prepared for the loss I would feel) or any significant life changing event on that level - close even to the experience of refugees and immigrants. The fact that I stayed in Tokyo for twenty years and left is similar to someone who decides to change their career or lifestyle in mid-life. There WILL be a transitional period. I recommend having or finding support during this period, especially at the onset.

Esalen Hot Tub

As I stepped into the hot tubs at Esalen, I allowed myself to be silent and listen to all the chatter. Maybe I would learn something. And I learned that you can't tell people in the first 5 minutes of an initial conversation the details of being an international returnee. You must say that you are "in a transition." And leave it at that. Then, evaluate/receive if more interest is offered. The hot springs were lovely..they are in the lower left part of this pic.

Moving

I am moving again at the end of this month. What can I say about it? I lived in one place in Tokyo for 9 years. And this will be the fourth time I've moved in 21 months. I guess there is a certain way of dealing with all of this; just stay calm and try to be graceful.

It's really hard to be graceful without knowing there is a cigarette to puff on a'la Lauren Bacall.

Withdrawal

It is ALL I can do to not light up a cigarette right now. Fortunately, there are none in the house.

I am in control of myself.

I am okay just the way I am.

1st Night in Berkeley

The drive (my 4th now) up to Berkeley was not as fresh as the first three and I got to my destination easily because I knew I had to be in the left hand lane on a certain exit ramp. It was scary stopping in Soledad for petrol (gas.) I felt like I was on the Serengeti during meal time. And I shuddered to think how I would overcome this fear if I got a flat tire or something went wrong with the car. I never felt this kind of fear in Cambodia even though the Khmer Rouge were still known to snipe at people who took the boat up from Phnom Penh, as I did. I never felt this kind of fear when I went out to Tel-Al-Amarna in the deserts of central Egypt to see the ruins of Aknaten's temple-city - and it was mandatory to be escorted out by two policemen carrying AK-47's. However, I know this fear will go away over time with alot of gentle situations and calm observations.

Went to eat sushi in Berkeley. Lovely restaurant! Spoke in Japanese with the chef: the すしやさん。　Delicious sushi that revolved around - known as 回転 in Japanese. But where were all the Japanese customers?

Took a very, very long bath before bed and came out feeling like a 12 year old.

5 days away

I'm staying in a house on top of a hill with a view of the bay below.
And I forgot the cable to my camera so pictures cannot come with any upcoming entries. Bummer. Unless I receive one on Telegraph Ave somehow.

"We are all beguiled by the display of our karma."

Identity

The time I spent in Japan had an effect on my identity which I wasn't aware of until I returned to the states and discovered I was no longer a 外人; a "non-Japanese." A significant period of time passed (21 months) for this awareness to occur. And there was a lot of confusion in between. Feelings of awareness are moving to the surface now where they can see the light of day but they're moving so fast - like salmon swimming upstream to spawn. I have made a few close friends here but feel a loss of potential (everything that occurred in that 21 months.)

I am still in receptive mode but also see the invaluable inner-resource of evaluating anyone and anything before accepting. I also see that the offering of myself in making new friends here - in between what was familiar and getting used to the new lifestyle - was stressful.

Good News on the Global Front

I am relieved because
I just got an email from
my friend in a certain
country and he is safe
and alive. (picture
forthcoming.) I still
can't sleep but thanks
be to god on Earth,
he is still breathing.

Insomnia

October 1, 2007, I moved here:

From here on September 30, 2007:

With LAX in the middle. Well, I did sleep a little on the plane. One night, I was listening to the familiar sounds of ambulances, cars and the "yakiimo" man. The following evening I heard the sounds of coyotes for the first time. The insomia came on strong at this time and I've been grappling with it ever since. Crushed Valerian root before bedtime seems to help. The doctors prescribed Ativan.

Musings

今の心で
surrender to
a compassionate
state of awareness.
As a virgin on the
cusp of offering.

"Kokoro" (心）The Head and The Heart

I had a hard time dealing with headaches in Japan but I could handle heartache.

I have a hard time dealing with heartache in the states but I can deal with headaches.

My currently-running theory is that a headache is easier to deal with here because lots of people "work through" issues by thinking them through and people tend to converse frequently on that level; the cerebral level. This is a new influence in my life.

I saw - and was influenced - in Japan by people who dealt with heartache by drinking - or staying phenomenally busy but I'll save the details of that for a later entry. Wabi-sabi, on the other hand, was another way of coping with heartache. Consider Japanese pathos as exemplied in the Kanji, 情念。 At an extreme level, I saw this most clearly in the film, "In The Realm Of The Senses." In everyday life, I saw Japanese "wabi-sabi" in the glorification of sadness and the elevation of suffering to a form of beauty. This - when combined with a Faulknerian Southern Gothic upbringing as I had - influenced my life.

In California/the U.S. people see to me to be more judgmental or ideal-centered over issues of the heart. I can't work out everything in my brain without a little mind-expansion; that is what I hope to achieve in California. It's all becoming clearer than I've felt in months.

Something else too: 心 (kokoro/shin) is associated with the heart-mind in Japan. Is the mind in the states more closely associated with brain activity? I am inclined to see it as so.

anecdote: if you want to break up with someone in Japan, you don't state that outright but, rather, you write your "Dear John/Jane letter in red ink.

Emergency Rooms, Acupuncture and Prescriptions

Spent all morning in an American emergency room for the first time since 1976. Diagnosis: lumbosacral strain (not sure how that happened!!??) Not too many differences between the emergency room procedures in Japan and the U.S. Japanese generally look busier. Have two prescriptions but I want to stick with simply ibuprofen. The drugs of choice at hospitals are different in Tokyo and California. Here, Vicodin seems in ample supply. I never heard of Vicodin in Japan - acupuncture was my remedy and "shippu" patches. What I need is a good acupuncturist. In Tokyo, I went to the great Greg Sappers. All I've found here is an office in Ventura that plays alot of New Age music but they are really wimpy on the needling.

More on California Vocabulary

I have been pondering this for a day or two and California English really is a new vocabulary. In Tokyo, I was surrounded by Brits, Kiwis, Aussies, Canadians and a whole bunch of other non-Japanese nationalities. Depending on how long we had been living there, our own communication became peppered with Japanese vocab and its associated meanings as well as the nuances of the in the other English-speaking (or not) languages we encountered. I think this is a fascinating topic for discussion. Still, in my current environment, I am on the receiving end so I must simply listen and eventually "get" what a word means here. It's an interesting phase of the returnee process.

"Getting It" or Not...

When I first went to Japan, I felt a breath of relief that not understanding wasn't held against me because I was a gaijin.

Now not "getting it" is often held against me.
I was looked at weirdly when I hadn't yet learned how to swipe my debit card.
I was judged when I didn't understand new vocabulary (see "new vocab I have learnt" entry.)
Where is the DMV (WHAT is the DMV?) I hadn't a clue.
Is this a dime or a penny?
What do all these interpersonal words mean?
"What's your social?" Uhh....

There is great value in listening and being quiet and learning by receiving and evaluating; asking questions at the right time.

Now, for the first time in a long time, I am on the receiving end instead of the giving end. It brings up a lot of issues that I have never looked at.

Om Mani Padme.

Driving vs. Taking Public Transportation

Here is the boot/trunck of my 2008 Toyota Corolla and Kia. This is when my driving experience really started. the 1st stage was confusing cars with people. Cars have definite lines that you have to be in. People at Shinjuku Sta don't follow any lines except on the escalators. Merging, changing lanes, getting lost in Ventura - the whole plethora - stressed me out considerably. It seemed like forever until I felt confident driving again and in SoCal. I also sadly realized that one can't just pull over to look at something in detail - almost anywhere you are at. You have to keep your eyes on the road. I have 20,000 miles on this vehicle now and have driven up north and back several times. Only one accident: on the street in front of my house when I backed into a parked truck. Yes, I bought inSURance for these kinds of things. The first few times I turned the ignition key, I felt screams coming from children in the middle-east. Now I easily drive up into the mountains on days when my heart needs to explore and I've rationalized the screaming. It's weird going from being a passenger to being a driver.

Here is the vehicle I drove the first three months after I arrived in California. I did not drive AT ALL in Tokyo or Japan and I got used to putting on my earphones, selecting a piece of music, putting on my shoes in the 玄関 and striding out of my building to get on my bike or walk to the subway station. Once on my bike, I could stop anytime I wanted and look at something interesting. Or read a book and zone-out (space-out) to whatever music I was listening to. The truck was relatively easy to drive as long as I didn't make any trips to LA.

Wandering In The Bardo

"Heaven is my father and Earth is my mother and even such a small creature as I find an intimate place in their midst. Therefore, that which fills the universe I regard as my body and that which directs the universe I consider as my nature. All people are my brothers and sisters. And all things are companions."

"It's been easy until now, but you'll likely question how."

I'm not sure how I am going to deal with my new and improved working situation from mid-August. The first quote is good for a wanderer (I wrote it in my diary in 1990) and I feel like wandering but now I feel something has changed. I'm going to Robert's place in the Berkeley hills for 4th of July. Moving to a new place on July 15th. Slow movement once up there...Yosemite, back to coast. Esalan? It is more expensive here than in Tokyo. May I find some enclave of sensitive, loving and kind people to hang with. And my I be "adept at containment."

The seond quote is from a song called "Bardo" by Todd Rundgren. I feel like I am in a Bardo - it's a perfect piece for an international returnee to ponder. Here are the lyrics:

http://trconnection.com/lyrics/Song.53.10

Was listening to Art Pepper this morning. It's amazing how relevant jazz is to the vagaries of a normal life. It really works to get involved in listening to how it's played. Meditative.

I think S is still locked up, thousands of miles away where there is panic and brutality on the streets. Every moment that goes by, when there is not an email from him, scares me. I am scared that he will lose his beautiful life - that life that so cared about this life with its fingers typing out these words.

Today's pic: I don't know WHY I felt happy or WHAT I felt happy about, I just felt HAPPY.
Let me tell you a story about insensitivity and how I settled for a type of relationship that was less than what I am worth. I was overwhelmed by love-vibes at a certain place, in a certain time and I didn't see what was coming. And there I was jumping into the maelstrom of middle-age crisis in California. And I had no idea of how much I had NOT changed in all that time I spent in Tokyo; that I would come back still feeling like a twenty-something girl when everyone else had changed - matured, gotten married, divorced, had kids, filed bankruptcy, bought a house, taken anti-depressants, changed jobs, learned to make conversation about their issues.. The only thing familiar to me when I returned was music, like timeless little friends and children. Music/sound - without being qualified or contextualized - can be the great equalizer.

The mood of the day was very much about this bumper sticker.

And yet...

oil= money

money= power

power= control

control = putting people in jail for reasons that sustain that control.

Morning/Mourning Thoughts

So I have a certain friend, in a certain country who has witnessed death on the streets recently. I met this certain friend in Japan. We are forever linked by our experiences. And now -

Now I am in the paradox that is sunny California.
And he is there and only been there 3 months at that.

It boggles my mind as if it needs to be more boggled.

Does a collective consiousness exist?

How does a sensitive person live in an unsensitive world?

New vocabulary I have learnt:

a relationship = a couple (you NEED to know this if you move to California.)
(Japanese: kankei/かんけい = this word means a form of interaction between oneself and something/someone else.) Instead of "I am in a relationship," English-speakers would say, "I have a girlfriend or a boyfriend." I never heard, "I am seeing someone."

foot massage = foreplay
In Japan, foot massage was a legitimate therapy.

issues = an individual's psychological hangups "which we all have."
In Japan, an issue was usually a headline in the newspaper or a topic to be discussed at a coffee house or, perhaps, a bar.

to ramp up/down = to increase or decrease (as driving onto or off of a freeway) one's dosage of medication
Escalator ramp? Ramp on the path to the touristy waterfall? In Japan, I don't think I used the word "ramp" in the whole 20 years I lived there.

Renting in California and Tokyo - An Anecdotal Story

In 1991, I and several others financed moving into a 2 bedroom condo in Shinjuku - in the heart of Tokyo. After one went back to DC and the other to Turkey a year or two later, I found myself wanting to rent it by myself. The owner of the condo knocked off a 1,000 USD so I could afford it and I lived there until mid-1998. In 1997, I was given ONE YEAR'S notice that he intended to sell the place and asked if I wanted to buy it. I declined, moved out (after 6 years) and got my full deposit back. Total rent for more than one person: 200,000 yen ($2,000 approx) and for one person (me) = 100,000 yen. Size = 700 square feet.

I took the first place I looked at and moved to the new place in 1998, also in Tokyo. Over the 9 years that I lived there, the daughter of the owner (a 二号さん - or second wife - in pre WWII Tokyo) and I developed a sincere relationship of trust and care. Her mother owned the building (given to her by her patron) and the daughter and her husband ran a clinic on the 2nd floor. I didn't have health insurance so when I took ill or became injured, they gave me free medical treatment. They gave me the key to the roof so I could have parties. I would sometimes pay my rent in a 3 month package and sometimes not pay rent at all for 3 months. They never gave me any grief. When I moved out (after 9 years) they took my deposit of 1,000 USD and gave me 3,000USD in "good luck" money to take back to the states. Total rent: 100,000 yen not incl utilities. What is the rate today? I haven't been checking. Size = 800 square feet.

LAX! October, 2007. I found my first dwelling in the U.S. (since 1987) in Ventura County. It was 900.000USD/month. There was no bathtub, no toilet roll holder and the kitchen was bare bones...the whole thing was bare bones. The hot water stayed on for only 5 minutes and when I told the owner, he looked at me and said, "Americans don't take showers for longer than 5 minutes." I soon discovered this was not true. When I told him this, he replied, "well, you lived in the Thai countryside, they probably didn't have any hot water there either." Me: "Yes, but I was only paying 5 Dollars a day." That shut him up. But he still wanted Duv and I to FIX the hot water heater with no assistance whatsoever. Thanks, idiot. When I moved out (after 6 months,) the owner's wife scoured the place for any signs of damage and insinuated that I should have thought to remove a cobweb from a certain corner. I was flabbergasted when I recd my full deposit back. I think she had a guilty-conscience. A side note: my favorite quote of hers is "And, you know, New Zealanders don't even get paid to recycle," after she returned from her big trip there. Come to think of it, I could devote an entire blog entry to this paragraph alone. Total payments on this dive: $900.00 not incl utilities. Size = 650 square feet.

Next place was closer to Ojai - in the same valley anyway. Nice woman with 60+ cats at a cat sanctuary. I rented a room in the house on the 1st floor. The only thing I remember about that situation was 1) her two big dogs needing to come inside at the crack of dawn, 2) her "slave" who lived in the garage 3) my cat Babura's stress level going off the charts. She took pity on me (a recurring theme since I've been living in the U.S. ) and she was basically nice. No deposit. I moved out after 4 months once I found a job. I had to get out of there...it was someone else's feifdom. Relationship more or less intact. Nice woman overall. Beautiful bathtub. I enjoyed that. Wish it were MY house. Now that I'm back, I guess that is something to aim for -unless I can find something cheaper somewhere else (my current dream city is Salvador.) Total rent: $695.00 incl utilities. Size = depended on the mood of the property owner.

August, 2008. Now that I am gainfully employed and IN OJAI (finally) I choose a place in a small, working class neighborhood. I have to fill out a rather lengthy application to rent (something I have never had to do before) and pay my rent dutifully on the first of every month, lest I be charged a penalty. The good thing about this situation is that the owner lives in ANOTHER STATE. It is small but solidly built. I have to get used to noisy neighbors (I never HEARD my neighbors for the 9 years I lived in Suginami-Ku in Tokyo and I assume they never heard me,) a flickering moody kitchen light that the maintenance guy can't fix and a flapping plastic light covering in the kitchen that jumps up and down whenever the Santa Ana winds come through. There is no bathroom or bathtub but the toilet and shower are sort of set off from the upstairs room in a way that is, at least, artfully done. Total rent: $950.00 incl utilities. Size = 400 square feet.

Today! I have found another place in Ojai. It has a proper bathtub, a proper kitchen, a bedroom, some closet space and a communal backyard. The application was even more thorough than the preceding one and I was surprised that they didn't ask me if I had any sexual fetishes and a "yes" and "no" box for the answer. I don't know the owners and I'm dealing with a realtor. My neighbors will be a father and son living together originally from Turkey. The current landlady wants me to give 30 days notice or she will withhold money. The realtor wants me to move in by mid-July. I'm out money, I guess. And I don't reckon I'll get any "good luck" money from the current owner either. Total rent: $910.00 not incl utilities. Size = 600 square feet.

I'm not sure what all this means...it is terribly confusing for an international returnee. I can see why people go into debt to own property here in the states.

Reading, reading reading...

finished NORMA: My Secret Life with Marilyn Monroe (Ted Jordan.) Pretty good actually.
starting: GUNS, GERMS, AND STEEL by Jared Diamond.

both purchased at Bart's Books http://www.bartsbooksojai.com/

Duv and son (now 14) stopped by. His son hasn't gotten any taller. I was thinking his voice may have changed but not yet. Very brief. Gave him the key to the P.O. Box. It's ALL good.

Today is my hero's birthday!

When I left the states in 1987, I tripped around for twenty years with his tapes in my backpack. Here are the lyrics to one of the songs:

http://trconnection.com/lyrics/Song.10.4

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

(this was ALL Steven's idea, btw)

Brian = Jack Nicholson
Jeff = Danny De Vito
Laura = Brad Douriff
Steven = Nurse Ratchet